Rested

It's only now that I've compiled all my food logs from the previous days that I realize how completely slack I was at updating.  Better to falter a little at posting than at following the plan though, right? : )

I needed today's rest day.  I was really glad to have it, to sleep a little later and to take a hot bath and just let my body relax.  Tomorrow is my second "Fit Test" for Insanity, which I'm a bit excited about.  I know, can feel that I am already a little stronger than when I started.  In a way, quantifying it isn't necessary or even ideal because sometimes hard numbers mess with me (weights, amount of calories burned, etc.), but sometimes they can be motivating, too. I guess it's a matter of perspective.

Yesterday was probably the most physically trying day so far.  It was Pure Cardio, which is kind of my Achilles' heel to begin with, but the day was also completely crazy.  I try to work out after I wake up, and then eat breakfast.  The later it got, the more ridiculous it became that I hadn't eaten yet, but I felt like... like I wasn't going to give in at all.

I feel a bit silly explaining it because it sounds almost pointlessly stubborn, but I guess I felt like if I ate, maybe I wouldn't work out.  If I waited to eat, I knew for a fact that I would because I had to.  And wants vs needs, doing vs thinking, can vs can't, is basically the backbone of this journey for me.

I want working out to be a given, not an option.  I want it to be like eating breakfast- when, not if. 

When I finally got around to working out, it was post-5pm.  I was tired, but I knew I wasn't too tired to get it done.  I pushed myself.  I told myself a couple times, I can't, not one more rep... but I knew inside that I could.  So I did.  And then I ate breakfast and dinner basically as courses following each other, haha.

Those are the days that really feel like victories.

Anyway, because the week was hectic, my calories were unintentionally pretty low and yesterday was the worst.  Today I had no excuses at all so I ate 100% on plan and that helps me to feel rejuvenated and ready for the coming week, too.

The last time I binged was August 4th.  The farther I get from there, the more it feels like I won't instead of shouldn't.  I still have the urges and the thoughts every single day, but they're less compelling, quieter somehow.  They have less power than they once did.

And I guess that I have more- the stronger and calmer parts of me, the part that believes in myself and will not give up, even to the point of being pointlessly stubborn sometimes.  It grows, and has from my first day on this plan when I didn't even take my measurements because most of me didn't believe that I would really lose anything.

It was so small then... but every day it gets stronger and brighter.  Every day I stick to this I am a little bit healthier and closer to being who I want to be, who I know now I can be if I keep trying.  And in my hardest moments on this plan, I know they still do not compare to my hardest moments off of it. 

Thank you for the support, it is invaluable.  It helps to know that other people are struggling with this, and succeeding.  It helps when I think about writing how the day has gone, and I ask myself what I want that story to read like. 

We're nearing the end of the second week of the CDC Challenge.  I'm excited to read about everyone fighting so hard and kicking so much butt.  We deserve this, we are earning this, and we are going to feel so, so good on the 18th and every day beyond.  Keep trying, my friends. : )

Today:
Exercise: Rest
Eating: 1,126 calories; 5.5 quarts water

Thursday:
Exercise: Insanity, Day 13 (Pure Cardio & Cardio Abs)
Eating: 852 calories; 5.5 quarts water

Wednesday:
Exercise: Insanity, Day 12 (Cardio Power & Resistance)
Eating: 1,009 calories; 5.5 quarts water

Tuesday:
Exercise: Insanity, Day 11 (Cardio Recovery)
Eating: 1,027 calories; 5 quarts water