Steps

I feel like I have so much to say that I don't even know where to start.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like

This week has been an incredibly difficult one.  I've been depressed.  I've fallen back into old habits like secret binges, and all their subsequent guilt and shame.  I knew that I was slipping, sliding, flailing... but knowing didn't give me the strength to stop it.  This year has been hard.  The holidays are hard.

I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight

Yesterday, someone who loves me literally pushed me to get out of bed, get in the shower and brush my teeth.  These are things that should never be difficult to do, and yet sometimes... I feel stretched so thin and weighed down so much, to mix my metaphors all over the place, that it feels like all I can do is hide under my covers.

And eat, and eat, and eat. 

Here we go again
It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great

After they got me out of bed, they asked if I was angry.  I said no, but I was.  We don't want to be called on our bullshit.  In the end, an addict has to choose to help herself. 

But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed

Today I've found some sanity again.  I woke up and worked out, Insanity Day 1.  Starting at the bottom of the hill looking up again, but it's not quite the beginning.  I can remember, feel the difference, from who I was when I started it the first time around.  I'm in better shape now.  I'm not in as good of shape as I have been, either.

Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her

We try to lose weight for as many different reasons as we gained it in the first place.  As I've written, I (clearly) struggle with overeating.  With emotional eating; happy and sad, bored and anxious.  Any reason is a reason when you want it to be, even when you know none of them are good ones.

And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine

If my goal was to have to lost weight, well then I have.  But that's not my goal, that's just part of the story.  My goal is to be able to maintain a healthy weight, and that is proving so much harder.

I'm thinking about checking out something like Overeaters Anonymous.  I have these preconceived notions; that that's not "me".  But if not me, who is it?  I don't know if it will help or not.  I do think that the possibility is worth trying.

The person who came to me, who tried to offer their hand to pull me out of this dark place I've been in... they said, "You have reasons to be depressed."  But don't we all?

I know that "normal" people don't turn to food when they're in pain.  They don't eat until they want to throw up.  They don't cry because they feel so out of control.

Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano

This has been a journey.  It continues to be one; ups and downs and circles much more often than I'd like.  I did not gain weight because I didn't know- eat better, move more.  I knew that, and know it now.  But knowing it and doing it... learning it, keeping at it, are all different things.

I feel a little better than I have lately.  Deeply introspective, but not as depressed.  When I finished working out, I felt like I had done a good thing for myself.  When I chose healthy foods today, and resisted the bad ones, I felt like I had regained a measure of control for myself.  These are steps.

They are so small sometimes, so ubiquitous they shouldn't even be worth mentioning- getting out of bed.  Taking a shower.  One foot in front of the other.  But they are only as insignificant as they are to us.  They are only as easy as they are, for us. 

It has been so hard.  Tonight I see the faintest glimmer of light again, because I have done it.  Because every step, no matter how small, is proof that I can keep doing this.  That I have not given up.  That there is hope still.

I did not weigh myself today.  This resurgence is fragile, and I know that I have gained weight.  Seeing the number might mess with my head, and I don't want that right now.  I have to set myself up for success, because I want to do this.

I want to do this. 

I feel like I should apologize to my fellow Challengers, because I've been so completely shit at this.  All I know is that we go once more unto the breech.

That we put one foot in front of the other.  Pick ourselves up when we fall. 

So let's do it- for all the myriad reasons we have, as unique as we are.  For our families, our health, ourselves.  Because of Challenges, the new year, simply because it needs to be done.

Don't stop.  Don't give up.  Never give up.  Keep trying. 

I am.

I'm tired of the games

There's a song I've been listening to on repeat while I wrote this, by Eminem, and it's where the italicized lyrics come from.  He's a controversial figure, but I find this really powerful.

Affirmation

Today is a new day.  I have some construction going on; I will relocate my old spot to a new spot.  I will work out after work today, no matter how tired I am.  The intensity doesn't matter; it's doing it.  If I have to pause, I will.  But I will not pause unless I have to.

I will eat well.  I will eat healthy.  I will drink lots of water.

I will remember, this is one day at a time.  Today, this day, I will do my best and it will be good enough.

CDCC Update

Two weeks left?  My goodness.  That makes me reflect, and I will already say that I wish I had been a little stronger for some of the weeks past, but... but we have two weeks left to hit this hard, ladies!

This morning was my very first 5k.  When I first conceived of doing it, it was because I was a few weeks into C25K- not very long, but long enough that I felt like, I can really do this!  I am doing this!  I know myself and how I tend to start strong and then fizzle out, though, so I wanted something more definite than "I can run longer" to reach for- like an actual 5k.

I asked a much fitter friend if she would do it with me, so I couldn't back out.  At the time, it was a dream.  A goal that I thought was reachable, but... not something I could do then.  Something I aspired to.

Today I ran my first 5k. :)  I walked twice, briefly, and finished in 32 minutes.  My next goal, for the Spring, will be to run another one and at a sub-30 time, but I will always remember and be proud of this one.  Actually doing it, regardless of my time, feels like a huge accomplishment when I think of the health lows I have been at.

I've hung my race numbers where I can see them every day now, to remind myself: we can achieve our goals.  We can make our fitness hopes into realities.  We are stronger and more able than we'll ever know, until we try and do.

This week was overall strong for me.  I ate some crap yesterday because... I was anxious.  It is not good; it is my old fallback of eating emotion plus a dash of self-sabotage, but I am working on it.  I don't always succeed, but I hope that recognizing it, being honest about it, and "processing" it will help me to resist it and change that behavior slowly but surely.

My weigh-in this morning was 161, which I feel good about.  I am going to try really hard for the next time that I pass out of this "decade" to be the last time that I have to.

When I was jogging today, I got tired at a point but told myself to keep going.  Eventually, for whatever reason, I let myself take a "little pause" to catch my breath.  I did, and got back to it pretty quickly, but the thing I noticed after that is how much I wanted to stop again.  It was like once that line had been crossed, I lost some resolve and it was harder to resist, stay strong, and keep jogging instead.

That's the diet story too, for me, in so many ways.  I do this "yo-yo", and I don't want to.  It's so hard to bounce upwards again after you've let yourself fall.  It's 1000 times better than not trying and not getting back on the horse again at all, but it's hard. 

The next time I cross this decade... it has to be the last time.  I try, but I have to do more than try, too- I have to learn the habits and consistency to succeed, as well.

It's such a fine line.  The perfectionist in me doesn't make my efforts any more perfect- sometimes it's as likely to completely stymie my efforts because I've slipped, as it is to help me.  I recognize that, and it's kind of the eternal balance I try to find on this plan and this journey.

How to forgive myself and push myself at the same time.  How to be kind but uncompromising.

I hope we all had a good week.  I hope the holidays are bringing us more joy than stress.  And most of all, I hope and know that we can finish this Challenge stronger, healthier, and happier than we started it.  Let's do this, my friends. : )

Mini

This is a non-update sort of update, but I want to post every day for a while because I really believe it helps me stay strong- knowing that for better or worse, I will write about the health choices I made. 

I stuck to the plan today, got exercise in, and started a great book.  I very much want to expound on it, but I'm completely exhausted, so it will have to wait until tomorrow when I have some more time and energy.

I truly hope everyone's day went well!  Let's keep doing this. : )

Eating: greek yogurt, almonds, apple, pear, salad, two chicken breasts, broccoli, more almonds, another apple (got hungry after exercise but for healthy stuff so I think it was more about fuel than overeating)
Exercise: jogged 3.4 miles
Reading: Willpower: Rediscovering The Greatest Human Strength

Goals

Thin Chic left a comment on my CDCC Update post that I thought about on and off all day today.  It was, "Be careful because you may be at your natural weight now. 166 is a great weight. Don't get addicted to the loss. Ask others if you look like you are at a NORMAL weight. And believe them! It takes a long time for you to see your actual image in the mirror. You will see a fat person for a long time once you lose weight."

I think there's a lot of wisdom to that.  I've never reached a weight loss goal before- I climbed steadily upwards for a long time.  Something I've heard from people who have though, is that a distorted self-image is really common.  That it can be easy to lose sight of where our body's actually at.

So I contemplated the concept of reaching our goals.  The truth is that when I look in the mirror now, sometimes I'm surprised at the girl I see there.  I think I look okay, and I know that I feel a lot better than I did for a long time, both physically and self-esteem-wise.

I asked myself, is that enough?

But the truth, which can be a complicated thing, is that it isn't.

Here is my goal: to feel like my body isn't holding me back from anything.  That can mean a lot of things, both literal and figurative.  I've briefly touched upon the anxiety and depression issues I struggled with in the past... my weight never literally kept me in the house, unable to leave.  But it held me back emotionally, for sure.  I held myself back.

That's changed now.  After fits and starts, I started this particular phase of the journey at 215 lbs.  I was scared to name numbers then.  I was scared to set specific goals because I didn't want to fail them, again.  So I said that my goal was health. 

I don't have any children, but I do have my nieces.  I see them often and love them more than I can say.  At 215 lbs, I played with them differently.  We walk to the park a lot now.  I go on the slide with them.  We run around.  And every moment I am acutely conscious that I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't do these things when I was heavier.  And I am more grateful than I can ever put into words for it, the health that I've worked for and have now.

So it's not just health.  It's not a number on the scale, or a (highly variable) clothing size on a tag.  It's about... see, I love to swim.  The last time I did it was years and years ago and the reason is 100% because of how I felt about my body.

I want to be able to put on a bathing suit and go to the beach next summer.  I'm not trying for a bikini.  I just want to be able to think more about what I'm doing than what I'm wearing. 

I guess when I get to that point, that's my "goal".  Whatever the scale says then.  Whatever my BMI is then.  Whenever that is.  That's my goal.

Now, staying in that place?  Maintaining that because of a new lifestyle and a metamorphosed headspace?  That's a whole other thing.  But let's worry about getting there first.  One step in front of the other.  One good choice at a time.

I truly believe we all have the strength in us to do this.  Keep trying, friends.

Eating: apple, almonds, greek yogurt, salad, chicken breast, broccoli, pear, lots of water
Exercise: jogged a little over 5k (practicing for this Sunday!)

Hangin' tough

Why yes, that is a NKOTB reference, because I did grow up in the late 80s/early 90s. 

Today was crazy stressful.  At one point I literally had to repeat to myself in my head over and over, "I will not stress eat.  I will not stress eat."  I was sitting in my chair like I had to physically restrain myself from reaching for food as comfort.  But you know what?  I did not stress eat.

Later, there was the second of the one-two punches where I wanted to eat junk simply because it was quick and easy and I was genuinely hungry and tired.  I thought about how I'd successfully fought off the stress trigger though, and how giving in would render that fight pointless.  And I resisted again.

I ate oatmeal, an apple, almonds, a pear, greek yogurt, a big salad, a small chicken breast, and lots of broccoli today.  I drank lots of water.  I didn't work out so it wasn't an "ideal" day, but I will do that tomorrow.

Tonight, I feel like counting everything I did "right" and allowing myself to feel proud.  Tomorrow, I'll try and use it as momentum and motivation to keep going and reaching for my goals.

We can do this.  It's not easy; it can be incredibly hard.  But it's worth it.  That's what I now try to remember when the struggles hit- in the end, doing this is worth it and not doing it/giving in never once has been.

Believe in yourself.  Fight for your hopes and dreams.  You are worth it and you can achieve them... and so am I.  So let's keep trying. :)

Resume

Ate completely healthily today.  Jogged a little over two miles.  Most of all, I feel like I'm striving for something again, instead of slowly tumbling down the rabbit hole.

I've been telling myself today that I won't instead of can't with regards to food.  The holidays are stressful.  They can be emotional and depressing, too.  But doing this, trying at this, reminds me that there is something that makes me feel good and in control and is wholly within my power.

I feel grateful to remember that.  Sometimes life gets so busy and crazy that I forget the simple, important stuff- eat less, move more, be happier.

It's not always that simple, yet in a way it is.  I feel better about myself when I stick with this, and when I feel good about myself, I also feel more ready to tackle everything else.

I truly hope everyone is keeping or finding their strength to keep pushing on, too.  More than any shiny gift that anyone else could get me, what I want is to be healthy and feel strong and good about myself.

Let's take care of ourselves, and be healthier and happier and stronger every day- 'gifts' that will still be there long after all the food's been eaten and all the presents are unwrapped.