Fly

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
To fly, to fly

Tonight was dinner at a friend's house.  They know I'm on a plan so I just went ahead and asked if I could bring my own food.  Is this weird?  Might this offend someone?  Yes and yes.  Don't think I didn't angst about it, about being weird or rude or both... but I can't give up because of propriety.

I know myself.  That I don't know the meaning of the word "moderation".  That I am only as strong as my last "No".  And if I start saying yes, I don't know when or if I'll be able to stop.

This dinner was not worth the risk.  (Would any dinner be worth it?)  I went for the people, for the company, but not for the food.  I've spent too long with food as my focus.  No more, not if I can help it, and I know that I can.

I ate their salad though, sans the shavings of cheese.  Without making a deal out of anything, I quietly pushed the croutons to the side, too.  And then I took a brief detour to Crazytown anyway, because I missed one tiny, broken-off fragment and ate it with a bite of lettuce.

This would be funny if it didn't make me feel so sad at the same time- how my thoughts immediately went all over the place like, Well I've already blown this, might as well eat a bag of cookies in secret when I get home.

What?  Seriously, what?  One half of a corn kernel-sized crouton piece meant to some part of my food-addicted brain that I should just eat a bag of cookies, and give up.  The "damage was done"... so I should go ahead and implode.  It's just... so messed-up, the thoughts I have sometimes about food.  So self-destructive.

In the end, I ate my rice and chicken and broccoli and that was it.  I went for the company, not the food.  When I got back home, I ate a pear and drank some more water.   I've guesstimated the best I can on the salad for tracking, but I don't think I'm too far off.  

It was not easy.  Despite everything I just wrote and knowing that it is all true... I felt a bit bad tonight.  I felt bad being the girl who brought her own dinner, instead of enjoying what the host made.  I felt bad wanting to eat an entire bag of cookies and having to tell myself that's a horrible idea- something that should be pretty obvious.

Exhale.  But in the end, I know I did the right thing for myself.  That's all we can really do, right?  Try to be good to other people, try to be good to ourselves, and try not let our baser urges- anger or greed for food or whatever, cause harm.

The other day I was writing a post when Pandora popped Nicki Minaj's "Fly" on.  I really liked it, but it didn't have anything to do with my post at the time.  Tonight, it does.

I'm here to fight, I'm here to thrive...  It would have been so easy to eat a couple croutons, or a little cheese tonight.  Or to eat what they made, instead.  For one night.  But if I'm not giving this my all, then I ask myself, What am I doing here?   

It's not easy for any of us.  It is hard work, every lb.  But we're here because we know it's what's good for our bodies and our minds and our futures.  We're here to survive, to prosper, to rise...

To fly.  To fly.

Keep flying.  We can do this.

Exercise: Insanity, Day 9 (Pure Cardio)
Eating: 1,167 calories; 4.5 quarts water (5.5 when I posted)