Hope

Thursdays are my rest days.  I used to look forward to them a lot, but now I kind of miss the exercise.  I think it's good to give my body a day of R&R, but I'll be glad to get back to it tomorrow.

Glad, to workout.  I've read a couple people write something similar lately.  It's definitely a change for me, but I'm happy that it's "taking".  I've read that new habits take 4-6 weeks to take root.  I've had quite a few years of bad ones, so I'm really happy to see some good ones starting to creep in.

The "thing" I had to do today... it wasn't bad at all.  I had been dreading it for so long... this morning my stomach was twisted into knots and when I first got there I thought I might have a legit panic attack, which hasn't happened in a pretty long time.  My breath started to get funny, I couldn't think, I felt cold and sweaty at the same time, etc.  But... I did my best to push it back down.  I took deep, slow breaths.

And I got it done.  I apologize if it's a bit annoying to be "mysterious" about it- I'm not trying to, it's just almost like a McGuffin, the exact details don't really matter.  Today I got it done and afterwards felt a mingling of relief (that it was done), surprise (that it went fine), and regret because I let myself make it into such a big, scary thing to begin with.

A while ago I bought a book for my Kindle called The Gifts of Imperfection.  I forget how it was recommended, but it was pretty cheap and I thought, hey a book about being more comfortable in your own skin?  I'm all for that.

Today I read the section on hope, and it really resonated with me.  The author talked about how hope isn't just an emotion (I hope it doesn't rain, I hope I get this gift, etc.), it's also an outlook.  The people that self-describe themselves as "hopeful" don't do so because they live charmed lives where everything is easy and good.

They live the same lives as everyone else- with deep valleys and high mountains and a lot of time somewhere in-between.  It's their outlook that's different- that falling doesn't mean failing.  That the things we desire are worth the hard work it may take to achieve them.  Connected to this and very powerfully, they also believe that they're ultimately the captains of their own ships.  Storms may hit, but they're the ones steering.  They have control over their own success or failure.

The heavier I was, the more uncomfortable I was with my body.  I was never able to embrace myself  "just the way I was" because it didn't feel like me.  Being overweight was something I felt and thought about continuously.  This is sad... but even in my dreams I was fat.  I hoped not to be, but it was just an emotion, without a plan or actions behind it.

That kind of hope wasn't enough.  That kind of hope was as substantial as a balloon filled with air, because there was nothing to support it, make it take hold or grow.

I have hope now, too.  That I will get stronger, that I will get healthier, that I will continue to deal with the things I need to.  I think it's closer to the second kind.  I hope, but I also believe- as long as I keep doing this, those things will happen.

I want and plan to lose a lot more weight.  But as far as this journey goes, I'm almost driven to tears right now by how far I feel I've come.  Something in me has changed, which is not to say that I'll never be plagued by doubts or fears or mistakes again- I will.  Of course I will.

But I feel like it's in me to deal with those things and move past them now.  All the things I like to repeat and tell myself, the "keep trying" and "there's no shame in failing, only in not trying"; they all say the same basic thing to me and it's to live.  To live well, to let yourself be happy, to forgive your mistakes while working hard for your goals, to be kind to yourself and to others, to never give up.  To do the best you can, so that you can live the best you can.

As Emmie quoted the other day, "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right."

I don't think differently because I've lost some weight.  I've lost some weight because I'm thinking differently.  And I was morbidly obese because of how I used to think.

I might fall off again... but I'll get back on.  Storms will hit, but I'm steering.

Exercise: Rest
Eating: 1,182 calories; 4.5 quarts water