No Shame

Today was a long and hectic day.  When things are routine and calm, it's easy for me to stick to the plan.  Although I've gotten better at dealing with it, I used to always say that I hate change.  I like the familiar and the comfortable.  I like predictability.

Today was, in a word, haywire.  Got halfway through this morning's workout before I had to reluctantly postpone finishing it.  Didn't get to lunch, held out on dinner for after my workout.  By the time it was even remotely possible, it was 8pm and I was weary.

"Two cookies," that's what I thought to myself.  Just for the energy, just for the boost a little "snack" could give me.  "And maybe a little cheese, too."  I'll track it.  It's okay because I'll track it.  That's what I wanted to tell myself.

And when someone else said, "Maybe you should leave that workout for tomorrow," I wanted to believe it, too.  But I didn't.  The problem with trying to fib to yourself is you always know you're fibbing.

I got angry at myself for it.  In a book I'm reading, it defines and explains a difference between guilt and shame.  Guilt has a use and a point- it is the feeling that tell us, "Perhaps I should have/should not have done that."  It tells us that bury it as we may, there is something more deep down.

Shame is a different story, and a pointless one.  Shame is self-hate, shame is beating ourselves up.  Shame isn't noticing or acknowledging that we screwed up, it is agonizing over it.

I personally don't think that anything positive can come from shame.  I have made a hard effort to stay positive on this journey- to think more about where I want to go and what I have done, and less on what I "should" have or didn't.

When I look in the mirror, I see my flaws but I try to focus on the improvements.

Tonight I got angry, which I would have said is a "negative" emotion.  I got angry at myself for thinking about cookies and making excuses, though.  All I could think was, "If I fall one day, let it be because I could not take one more step.  Let it be, even, because I freaked out and lost my head and binged out.  But do not let it be because I just don't feel like making the effort.  Do not let it be because I am telling myself that I just don't "care enough" to push on tonight."

I turned the DVD player back on and it had saved at my last spot, about halfway in.  But I was distracted then, so I started it over.  I was tired.  But I pushed through, and it felt good.  It felt right.  I needed the anger, and I needed that, too.

This journey matters to me.  How I feel about myself... being proud of myself at the end of the day, those things matter.  The cookies and the tiredness mean nothing beside them.  They were distractions, but I wouldn't allow them to become excuses.

Sometimes I wonder if it will always be a fight like this.  If I will always be a recovering "food addict" who must watch myself at all times and not allow myself to make the same bad decisions leading to the same bad consequences.  Tonight, I think if that's the case, then so be it.  I do not have to give in.  I do not have to fall down.

No more hate or doubt or shame.  Just keep trying.

Exercise: Sculpt 3/4 (resistance training; 40 minutes)
Eating: 1,150 calories; 4.5 quarts water