Steps

I feel like I have so much to say that I don't even know where to start.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like

This week has been an incredibly difficult one.  I've been depressed.  I've fallen back into old habits like secret binges, and all their subsequent guilt and shame.  I knew that I was slipping, sliding, flailing... but knowing didn't give me the strength to stop it.  This year has been hard.  The holidays are hard.

I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight

Yesterday, someone who loves me literally pushed me to get out of bed, get in the shower and brush my teeth.  These are things that should never be difficult to do, and yet sometimes... I feel stretched so thin and weighed down so much, to mix my metaphors all over the place, that it feels like all I can do is hide under my covers.

And eat, and eat, and eat. 

Here we go again
It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great

After they got me out of bed, they asked if I was angry.  I said no, but I was.  We don't want to be called on our bullshit.  In the end, an addict has to choose to help herself. 

But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed

Today I've found some sanity again.  I woke up and worked out, Insanity Day 1.  Starting at the bottom of the hill looking up again, but it's not quite the beginning.  I can remember, feel the difference, from who I was when I started it the first time around.  I'm in better shape now.  I'm not in as good of shape as I have been, either.

Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her

We try to lose weight for as many different reasons as we gained it in the first place.  As I've written, I (clearly) struggle with overeating.  With emotional eating; happy and sad, bored and anxious.  Any reason is a reason when you want it to be, even when you know none of them are good ones.

And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine

If my goal was to have to lost weight, well then I have.  But that's not my goal, that's just part of the story.  My goal is to be able to maintain a healthy weight, and that is proving so much harder.

I'm thinking about checking out something like Overeaters Anonymous.  I have these preconceived notions; that that's not "me".  But if not me, who is it?  I don't know if it will help or not.  I do think that the possibility is worth trying.

The person who came to me, who tried to offer their hand to pull me out of this dark place I've been in... they said, "You have reasons to be depressed."  But don't we all?

I know that "normal" people don't turn to food when they're in pain.  They don't eat until they want to throw up.  They don't cry because they feel so out of control.

Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano

This has been a journey.  It continues to be one; ups and downs and circles much more often than I'd like.  I did not gain weight because I didn't know- eat better, move more.  I knew that, and know it now.  But knowing it and doing it... learning it, keeping at it, are all different things.

I feel a little better than I have lately.  Deeply introspective, but not as depressed.  When I finished working out, I felt like I had done a good thing for myself.  When I chose healthy foods today, and resisted the bad ones, I felt like I had regained a measure of control for myself.  These are steps.

They are so small sometimes, so ubiquitous they shouldn't even be worth mentioning- getting out of bed.  Taking a shower.  One foot in front of the other.  But they are only as insignificant as they are to us.  They are only as easy as they are, for us. 

It has been so hard.  Tonight I see the faintest glimmer of light again, because I have done it.  Because every step, no matter how small, is proof that I can keep doing this.  That I have not given up.  That there is hope still.

I did not weigh myself today.  This resurgence is fragile, and I know that I have gained weight.  Seeing the number might mess with my head, and I don't want that right now.  I have to set myself up for success, because I want to do this.

I want to do this. 

I feel like I should apologize to my fellow Challengers, because I've been so completely shit at this.  All I know is that we go once more unto the breech.

That we put one foot in front of the other.  Pick ourselves up when we fall. 

So let's do it- for all the myriad reasons we have, as unique as we are.  For our families, our health, ourselves.  Because of Challenges, the new year, simply because it needs to be done.

Don't stop.  Don't give up.  Never give up.  Keep trying. 

I am.

I'm tired of the games

There's a song I've been listening to on repeat while I wrote this, by Eminem, and it's where the italicized lyrics come from.  He's a controversial figure, but I find this really powerful.

Affirmation

Today is a new day.  I have some construction going on; I will relocate my old spot to a new spot.  I will work out after work today, no matter how tired I am.  The intensity doesn't matter; it's doing it.  If I have to pause, I will.  But I will not pause unless I have to.

I will eat well.  I will eat healthy.  I will drink lots of water.

I will remember, this is one day at a time.  Today, this day, I will do my best and it will be good enough.

CDCC Update

Two weeks left?  My goodness.  That makes me reflect, and I will already say that I wish I had been a little stronger for some of the weeks past, but... but we have two weeks left to hit this hard, ladies!

This morning was my very first 5k.  When I first conceived of doing it, it was because I was a few weeks into C25K- not very long, but long enough that I felt like, I can really do this!  I am doing this!  I know myself and how I tend to start strong and then fizzle out, though, so I wanted something more definite than "I can run longer" to reach for- like an actual 5k.

I asked a much fitter friend if she would do it with me, so I couldn't back out.  At the time, it was a dream.  A goal that I thought was reachable, but... not something I could do then.  Something I aspired to.

Today I ran my first 5k. :)  I walked twice, briefly, and finished in 32 minutes.  My next goal, for the Spring, will be to run another one and at a sub-30 time, but I will always remember and be proud of this one.  Actually doing it, regardless of my time, feels like a huge accomplishment when I think of the health lows I have been at.

I've hung my race numbers where I can see them every day now, to remind myself: we can achieve our goals.  We can make our fitness hopes into realities.  We are stronger and more able than we'll ever know, until we try and do.

This week was overall strong for me.  I ate some crap yesterday because... I was anxious.  It is not good; it is my old fallback of eating emotion plus a dash of self-sabotage, but I am working on it.  I don't always succeed, but I hope that recognizing it, being honest about it, and "processing" it will help me to resist it and change that behavior slowly but surely.

My weigh-in this morning was 161, which I feel good about.  I am going to try really hard for the next time that I pass out of this "decade" to be the last time that I have to.

When I was jogging today, I got tired at a point but told myself to keep going.  Eventually, for whatever reason, I let myself take a "little pause" to catch my breath.  I did, and got back to it pretty quickly, but the thing I noticed after that is how much I wanted to stop again.  It was like once that line had been crossed, I lost some resolve and it was harder to resist, stay strong, and keep jogging instead.

That's the diet story too, for me, in so many ways.  I do this "yo-yo", and I don't want to.  It's so hard to bounce upwards again after you've let yourself fall.  It's 1000 times better than not trying and not getting back on the horse again at all, but it's hard. 

The next time I cross this decade... it has to be the last time.  I try, but I have to do more than try, too- I have to learn the habits and consistency to succeed, as well.

It's such a fine line.  The perfectionist in me doesn't make my efforts any more perfect- sometimes it's as likely to completely stymie my efforts because I've slipped, as it is to help me.  I recognize that, and it's kind of the eternal balance I try to find on this plan and this journey.

How to forgive myself and push myself at the same time.  How to be kind but uncompromising.

I hope we all had a good week.  I hope the holidays are bringing us more joy than stress.  And most of all, I hope and know that we can finish this Challenge stronger, healthier, and happier than we started it.  Let's do this, my friends. : )

Mini

This is a non-update sort of update, but I want to post every day for a while because I really believe it helps me stay strong- knowing that for better or worse, I will write about the health choices I made. 

I stuck to the plan today, got exercise in, and started a great book.  I very much want to expound on it, but I'm completely exhausted, so it will have to wait until tomorrow when I have some more time and energy.

I truly hope everyone's day went well!  Let's keep doing this. : )

Eating: greek yogurt, almonds, apple, pear, salad, two chicken breasts, broccoli, more almonds, another apple (got hungry after exercise but for healthy stuff so I think it was more about fuel than overeating)
Exercise: jogged 3.4 miles
Reading: Willpower: Rediscovering The Greatest Human Strength

Goals

Thin Chic left a comment on my CDCC Update post that I thought about on and off all day today.  It was, "Be careful because you may be at your natural weight now. 166 is a great weight. Don't get addicted to the loss. Ask others if you look like you are at a NORMAL weight. And believe them! It takes a long time for you to see your actual image in the mirror. You will see a fat person for a long time once you lose weight."

I think there's a lot of wisdom to that.  I've never reached a weight loss goal before- I climbed steadily upwards for a long time.  Something I've heard from people who have though, is that a distorted self-image is really common.  That it can be easy to lose sight of where our body's actually at.

So I contemplated the concept of reaching our goals.  The truth is that when I look in the mirror now, sometimes I'm surprised at the girl I see there.  I think I look okay, and I know that I feel a lot better than I did for a long time, both physically and self-esteem-wise.

I asked myself, is that enough?

But the truth, which can be a complicated thing, is that it isn't.

Here is my goal: to feel like my body isn't holding me back from anything.  That can mean a lot of things, both literal and figurative.  I've briefly touched upon the anxiety and depression issues I struggled with in the past... my weight never literally kept me in the house, unable to leave.  But it held me back emotionally, for sure.  I held myself back.

That's changed now.  After fits and starts, I started this particular phase of the journey at 215 lbs.  I was scared to name numbers then.  I was scared to set specific goals because I didn't want to fail them, again.  So I said that my goal was health. 

I don't have any children, but I do have my nieces.  I see them often and love them more than I can say.  At 215 lbs, I played with them differently.  We walk to the park a lot now.  I go on the slide with them.  We run around.  And every moment I am acutely conscious that I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't do these things when I was heavier.  And I am more grateful than I can ever put into words for it, the health that I've worked for and have now.

So it's not just health.  It's not a number on the scale, or a (highly variable) clothing size on a tag.  It's about... see, I love to swim.  The last time I did it was years and years ago and the reason is 100% because of how I felt about my body.

I want to be able to put on a bathing suit and go to the beach next summer.  I'm not trying for a bikini.  I just want to be able to think more about what I'm doing than what I'm wearing. 

I guess when I get to that point, that's my "goal".  Whatever the scale says then.  Whatever my BMI is then.  Whenever that is.  That's my goal.

Now, staying in that place?  Maintaining that because of a new lifestyle and a metamorphosed headspace?  That's a whole other thing.  But let's worry about getting there first.  One step in front of the other.  One good choice at a time.

I truly believe we all have the strength in us to do this.  Keep trying, friends.

Eating: apple, almonds, greek yogurt, salad, chicken breast, broccoli, pear, lots of water
Exercise: jogged a little over 5k (practicing for this Sunday!)

Hangin' tough

Why yes, that is a NKOTB reference, because I did grow up in the late 80s/early 90s. 

Today was crazy stressful.  At one point I literally had to repeat to myself in my head over and over, "I will not stress eat.  I will not stress eat."  I was sitting in my chair like I had to physically restrain myself from reaching for food as comfort.  But you know what?  I did not stress eat.

Later, there was the second of the one-two punches where I wanted to eat junk simply because it was quick and easy and I was genuinely hungry and tired.  I thought about how I'd successfully fought off the stress trigger though, and how giving in would render that fight pointless.  And I resisted again.

I ate oatmeal, an apple, almonds, a pear, greek yogurt, a big salad, a small chicken breast, and lots of broccoli today.  I drank lots of water.  I didn't work out so it wasn't an "ideal" day, but I will do that tomorrow.

Tonight, I feel like counting everything I did "right" and allowing myself to feel proud.  Tomorrow, I'll try and use it as momentum and motivation to keep going and reaching for my goals.

We can do this.  It's not easy; it can be incredibly hard.  But it's worth it.  That's what I now try to remember when the struggles hit- in the end, doing this is worth it and not doing it/giving in never once has been.

Believe in yourself.  Fight for your hopes and dreams.  You are worth it and you can achieve them... and so am I.  So let's keep trying. :)

Resume

Ate completely healthily today.  Jogged a little over two miles.  Most of all, I feel like I'm striving for something again, instead of slowly tumbling down the rabbit hole.

I've been telling myself today that I won't instead of can't with regards to food.  The holidays are stressful.  They can be emotional and depressing, too.  But doing this, trying at this, reminds me that there is something that makes me feel good and in control and is wholly within my power.

I feel grateful to remember that.  Sometimes life gets so busy and crazy that I forget the simple, important stuff- eat less, move more, be happier.

It's not always that simple, yet in a way it is.  I feel better about myself when I stick with this, and when I feel good about myself, I also feel more ready to tackle everything else.

I truly hope everyone is keeping or finding their strength to keep pushing on, too.  More than any shiny gift that anyone else could get me, what I want is to be healthy and feel strong and good about myself.

Let's take care of ourselves, and be healthier and happier and stronger every day- 'gifts' that will still be there long after all the food's been eaten and all the presents are unwrapped. 

CDCC Update

Weigh-in: 164

This morning was a wake-up call.  I've gotten complacent, and that's a one-way ticket back to where I was.  I hate writing this- it's embarrassing and humbling and patience-trying, all at the same time.

Last night, I read an excellent article in the Smithsonian that tied Henry Morton Stanley's great accomplishments to his determination and willpower.  Here's an excerpt: 

"...but his approach embodied an acknowledged principle of self-control: Focus on lofty thoughts.

This strategy was tested at New York University by researchers including Kentaro Fujita and Yaacov trope.  They found that self-control improved among people who were encouraged to think in high-level terms (Why do you maintain good health?), and got worse among those who thought in lower-level terms (How do you maintain good health?). 

After engaging in high-level thinking, people were more likely to pass up a quick reward for something better in the future.  . . . The results showed that a narrow, concrete, here-and-now focus works against self-control, whereas a broad, abstract, long-term focus supports it."

After I read that, I came to my computer and wrote this:

"Why am I doing this?

To accomplish something.  To stick to a plan, and see it out to "the end".  To a goal, not to "good enough".  To be strong enough to get it done.  To be brave enough to stick with it.  To prove to myself that I can. 

That's why.

The weight, sizes, appearance are side effects.  Wonderful side effects, but not the reason.

Why am I doing this?  Because I need to prove to myself that I am worth it, and able to do so, and no one else can do that for me."

As of today, I'm back to the eating plan that worked for me- lean protein, brown rice, oatmeal, some fruit, and vegetables.  Lots of water.  6 days per week of some kind of exercise (since the 5k is next Sunday, it will be all running this week; possibly back to Insanity after that).  Blogging about it every single day, and leaving at least one supportive comment on another blog too.

There's a month until Christmas.  Two, until a trip I'm going on.  But somehow, neither of those things have helped me to be strong in the face of temptation and the choices I know I shouldn't make.  I hope my "high-level terms", combined with a return to disciplined habits, gets me there.

Every time I "give in", it's so hard for me to get back to where I need to be, where it's easy to say no, and I do.  No excuses, no more backsliding, just "doit".

Have a busy day today, but back to update again later and see how everyone else is faring.  Well, I hope.  Continuing to be healthy and strong, if we have been, and getting back to it if we haven't.  We can do this.  Let's do this.

Why do you strive for good health?

Thanksgiving

I hope everyone has a wonderful day today, however you plan to spend it.  If you eat, enjoy it!  If you abstain, own it!  I'll be partaking, not too crazily, and buckling back in for this journey tomorrow.

I'm thankful for many things in my "offline" life, but I'm thankful for all my blog friends too. :)  Have a happy, healthy, and safe day out there!

CDCC Update

Had some unexpected out-of-town guests (not that they just showed up, but they'd originally planned to stay at a hotel), and that made things hectic.  I apologize, I mean it, and now onto the update.

 

This week, I'm down half of a lb.  It's not a big loss, but I'm still pretty happy with it because it's in the right direction.

Here's the thing.  This week I had guests, and last night I went to a big party.  Between both of these things, I've indulged in non-healthy food.  But "indulged" itself is such an indicative word, that by its nature means out of the norm and occasional.

I used to "indulge" every day, every meal.  This week, perhaps I had some big dinners, but I also had healthy breakfasts and lunches.  I also ran 3 miles several times, and drank lots of water.

What is a habit?  It's something we do; that's all.  I used to have a lot of terrible food-related habits.  For a while, I had really great habits.  Either way, the past is the past.  What am I going to do today?  Am I going to keep "indulging", or am I going to get back to "normal", as I want it to be?

Which is exercising, which is eating well, hydrating, not turning to food as comfort, and only occasionally eating special foods for special reasons.  Not even in moderation, necessarily, because I still don't know that I can handle that, but as a part of celebrations.  

Last night, I wore a sparkly dress and heels and make-up.  And then I laid them away, because that's not who I am everyday.  I want that to be true for the food, as well.  I'm going to keep working on that.

I meant to write last week about an article I read.  I have something half-finished in Drafts, but I'll just roll it into here now.  It was about our bellies, and showing photos of "normal" people's stomachs.  Some were toned and some were big, some were smooth and some were scarred.  It really made me think about my perception of what I "should" look like as a goal.

The last time I weighed this much, I was probably in my late teens.  My body's not the same, though- I'm older now, and I placed the stress of obesity on myself for a long time.  When I look in the mirror, sometimes I get pretty wistful about wishing things were tighter, smoother, etc. 

But it is what it is.  And we are who we are.  That article reminded me that "normal" people aren't perfect.  It doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to be healthy, because caring about ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally is incredibly important.  But it does mean... to me, it means we should accept that we bear the scars of our misses even as we strive to succeed. 

 

There's my belly.  It's probably the part of my body I'm most self-conscious about, so why I'm posting it on the internet is completely baffling in a way.  But I think my point is... this is a journey.  This is my journey to be a healthier, happier person.  It's about losing weight and gaining self-image, and it's also about changing how I think and feel.

It's about being proud of what I've accomplished while still trying to accomplish more; accepting who I am while still trying to be a stronger and healthier version of myself.

Let's keep fighting.  It's not "all or nothing", it's choices every day.  It's picking ourselves up when we fall and getting on with it.  It's doing it; good, bad, or indifferent.

I've had good, bad, and indifferent by this point.  But I'm still trying.  I'm not giving up, though I've been offline more than on lately.  

We can do this, ladies.  I hope it's not weird to say that I'm so proud of all of us.  Now let's keep doing it, and keep trying!

CDCC - Update 10

Weigh-in: 163

Hard to admit.  There was a point that I wanted to quit, I'll be honest.  But I remembered- "good, bad, or in-between".  So here we are.

In stories, people go through trials and tribulations.  They struggle, they grow, they learn.  In the end, they accomplish something.  Even in the sad stories, they may be sadder but they're wiser.  They may bear scars, but they are served by them, too.  They find happiness or peace; something that makes you say, this was worth reading.  This was a journey and we didn't end up in the same place that we started.  We went somewhere worth going.

If this was a story, it wouldn't be a very good one.  If I could write it, it would be simple.  "She decided to lose weight.  She had an epiphany, a realization that got her started.  She began, she struggled, but in the end she persevered.  They lived happily ever after."

Because how many times can one write that they didn't learn the lesson?  Went backwards instead of forward?  How many times can we read that?

How many times can I live it?

I'm just... reflecting, and have been.

This week.  The peaceful ones blur together, but the hard ones are each unique, to paraphrase.  I traveled for the funeral I spoke of last week.  I did not make good choices, which is just a slightly "better"-sounding way of saying outright that I made poor ones.

I save a lot of motivational sayings and posters, the kind people post on their blogs, in a folder called "Inspiration".  There's one I really like that says, "There are always two paths.  One is easy, and its only reward is that it's easy."

It's true.  There are always two paths.  You stand in line and you know, I can order the salad or something else.  I can or I can't, will or I won't.  I do, or I don't.

I jogged a few times this week, because you don't need special equipment to do so- just sneakers and a will.  It didn't negate the bad choices.  It didn't replace good ones.  Do we get credit for half-hearted efforts?  I remember reading a blogger write that she wished the scale reflected all we didn't eat, all we said no to when we wanted to say yes.  I wished that, too.

But that's not how it works.  We get out what we put in.  We are what we do.

I told myself, "You'll be perfect tomorrow."  And then, tomorrow would come and I'd say, "You'll be perfect today.  Today is a new chance, a fresh start.  Just do it."

But "perfection" is intimidating, and changing direction is hard.  In the end, I remembered what I wrote on the top of my blog when I first started it.  "A person trying."

This is not a good story, perhaps.  I go back before I go forwards.  I don't learn, and relearn, over and over.  But it's my story, and the only one I have.

The 5k is now in three weeks, exactly.  I jogged 3.4 miles.  I was slow.  It was cold.  I cleared my mind and I just kept going, one foot in front of the other.  When I wanted to stop, I asked myself if it was the most my body could do or just my mind wanting to give up.  It wasn't my body, so I kept going.  "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

Then I drank water, ate an apple, took my multivitamins.  Things I haven't done in a week.  What is perfection, after all?  It's an unachievable goal.  What is success?  It is the culmination of our efforts.  It is the big picture, made up of a hundred small pieces.  It's every time we do, instead of don't.

I did not have a good week.  In honesty, I did not even have a good day, exactly.  But what do I have?  A good night.  A good jog.  Good choices, like pearls on a strand, one at a time.

I can't, won't make any promises here.  A great mind said that doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, is insanity.  Perhaps it's true, but when it is a result worth striving for and we do, we call that perseverance, too.

I want to "do better".  Want to be strong, consistent, supportive... healthy.  I struggle, and will struggle again.  But I know, have relearned and re-believe that the story isn't over until it is.  As long as there is life, there is hope.  There are two paths.

Keep writing it.  Keep believing.  And keep trying.

CDCC - Update

Weigh-in: 160.5

This is a super brief one.  One of my oldest friends unexpectedly lost one of her parents this week, so I've been doing everything I can there.  I also found out that a family member that's been struggling with an illness isn't doing so well.  Things are really sad and stressful right now, but I know that doesn't mean it's an excuse to lose my... stuff.

Life happens.  Sometimes it's wonderful and sometimes it's tragic.  If I'm ever going to deal with my weight, then I'm going to have to learn how to overcome the hard times without food.  This is a big test for that.  All the talking and thinking in the world comes down to action sometimes. 

Am I going to keep trying?  Or am I not?

Who/When

Yesterday was, of course, Halloween.  I took a photo with my niece and posted it on Facebook.  I've mentioned that I'm fairly private, so this journey isn't something I've talked about there at all.  As these things go, there's a lot of people there I don't see very often, and I got some kind comments about how I look right now.

It's strange... I know that I've lost weight.  I know that I feel better, and that when I look in the mirror, I feel more positive about what I see there.  But knowing these things and realizing them aren't the same, I guess.

I looked at that photo for a long time.  I kept looking at it, and eventually I realized that it's because I don't see myself as "her".  Our faces should be the most familiar thing in the world to ourselves, but when I look at that photo... I don't feel like it's me.

I haven't ever touched upon this before, because it feels like no matter how I phrase it, it comes off as "bragging" and that is the absolute last thing I want.  But... I do realize that I have been immensely lucky on this journey so far.  I know that this is work, that it didn't just "happen", but reading blogs makes it crystal clear that our bodies are all so different, and that there are people who work so hard and do not see results that equal their efforts.  I have lost pretty quickly, and I wonder if that's part of the reason I feel so... disconnected from where I am right now.

Shortly after I started this journey, I was sick enough to go to the doctor.  I remember that I had been working hard at this for a few weeks, had lost maybe 15 lbs, and felt good.  I felt different, you know?  My clothes were starting to be baggier, etc.

She asked how much I weighed, and I lied and said something in the 190s.  It sounded better to me than slightly over 200, which is where I actually was.  I felt OK saying it, like I didn't feel OK saying the truth.  I felt a bit proud of myself, because I was healthier than I had been.  And then she took out the blood pressure cuff, and it was the XL size.

That little thing was an emotional blow to me.  She was very nice and didn't mention my weight at all, but... well, that said a lot.  Why do I share this slightly painful and embarrassing story?  Because... I actually am under 200 lbs now, I'm not just pretending it.  Because 190 slipped by, and then 180, and so on, but somehow none of those numbers feel as "real" as that, as the day I reached the weight I said I was.  And I wondered, does it match how I feel inside now? 

The other day, I went to the grocery store to pick up Halloween candy for the house.  I felt the old, terrible urge to pick up something for myself too, by which I mean something to secretly binge on.  I didn't.  I bought my fruits and veggies and went to the car, and after I buckled my seat belt I saw a very overweight woman across the lane...  but back to this in a moment.

Last week, I was with someone and they made a comment about someone's weight.  It wasn't... overt, or vicious.  If it had been I want to believe I would have said something.  It was just "stating it" in a way, I guess.  But I can't remember someone saying anything like that in front of me before, for the obvious reason.  And it just made me so sad.

No one wants to be addicted to food any more than they "want" to have an alcohol or drug addiction.  But some of us are, and we struggle, and we damage our bodies and our self-esteems with it, and we may or may not be able to find the strength and courage and willpower to fight it before it overcomes us in some way.

That's what I think about when I see others that are seriously overweight.  When I looked at this woman in the parking lot, and our eyes met for a moment, I felt (whether this is accurate or not) the understanding of someone else struggling with the same thing.  Because a handful of chips or the occasional slice of cake don't bring you to that point.  For the most part, neither obesity or health are "incidental".  They are the result of daily choices we make, and have made.

Most of me is the same exact person inside that I was when I weighed 240 lbs.  The biggest difference is that I am really fighting my addiction now... but I am still an addict inside.

I have some stuff coming up, as I've mentioned, little goals to motivate me.  An event here, a trip there, etc.  But I still find myself thinking, when can I binge again?  When those are over?  And I just hope with everything in me that I have the strength then to say no, that I will find new goals and keep going.  It's not "never", right now.  It's "later", which is certainly better than "now", but... it needs to be never, and I'm not there yet.  Will I be, one day?

I wonder when I will feel like I'm a real "weight loser".  Because right now, I can say I've lost weight, but it still feels everyday like it might just be temporary.  When will I want to eat healthy more than I want to eat comforting, addictive crap?  When will I want to exercise more than not?

When will I look at a photo and recognize myself?

I don't know.  Who/when?  But I do believe that we learn something by the asking, and by our attempts to figure it out.  Every day, every meal.  I struggle, but I am fighting one day at a time.

I ate well today.  I'm still sick, and exercise-resting.  I drank my water.  I read, commented, and posted.  I'm trying to be healthy, and trying to figure it out.

Don't give up.  Never give up.  Keep trying.

Small steps

I'm resting.  I drank lots of water today.  I ate well- fruits, vegetables, lean protein.  I did not have any candy, which was more tempting than it should be.  I took my niece trick-or-treating but left all the sugary stuff in her Dora bucket.  She offered to share it with me; that is sweeter than candy.  I hugged her and refused; that is also better than junk food.

I didn't work out.  I'm still sick, and trying to recover.  But I'm not coasting, and I'm not giving up.

Let's keep doing this.  One temptation-filled holiday down; two more to go, my friends.

Christmas Dress Countdown Challenge - Update 8

I feel like I blinked and this week just disappeared. 

Weigh-in today: 161

I've been sick for the last few days again, which confuses as well as annoys me.  Previously, I would describe myself as someone who almost never got sick.  I'm more fit than I have been in years now, but constantly sniffling or sneezing or something lately.

Anyway, my eating has been probably 90% on plan.  Maybe not enough some days, but I don't have much of an appetite.  At the start of the week, my workouts were amazing, but I'm on a forced pause.  I tried to go jogging anyway and this wet, hacking cough (sorry, those are words that should never go together) made it so miserable I stopped, and am waiting until it goes away now.

Here's what I need to say.  I'm bothered that the tone of this post, that this week, is off again.  It's not what I wanted to write, at all.  But it's frustrating, too.  I feel like being consistent is incredibly difficult when nothing in my life feels consistent right now.

Lately, I work, I cough up phlegm, I don't want to eat anything, and I sleep.  I want blogging and exercise to be in there a lot more.  I want eating well to be in there.  I would like to be healthy and calm again, and right now I am neither.

Sigh.  But life is always what we make of it, I know that.  Enough of this pity party.  Everyone is busy, but we make time for what we need to.  I have a fancy event in three weeks, and a 5k in five.  No matter what's going on, I need to find my focus for these things. 

Maybe thinking about how worn out and rundown I feel is actually making me worn out and rundown.  I need to think about how strong I feel, how capable, about succeeding.

When I was still quite out of shape, I started working out "like a fit person".  I modified things, but I still did them to the best of my ability at the time. 

I need to eat like a healthy person- to eat enough, to eat healthily, to help my body fight off whatever keeps bothering it. 

And most of all, I need to think and do like a healthy person- that I can make the schedule work, that I have the energy, that I'll take the time to blog and reflect for myself, etc.

Another week down.  They slip through our fingers... but I don't want life to happen to me, to be this thing I feel like I'm constantly trying to catch up to.  I want it to be what I make of it, what I shape it to be, to be who I am striving to be.

Sick, or not sick.  This journey is one day at a time.

More tomorrow.  Keep trying.

Early

Well, a really early post for me, anyway. : )

When I got back to Insanity, it was for the "Recovery Week".  It's a single workout you do for six days in-between Month 1 and Month 2, and it's a lot of stretching, etc. to help your body recover a bit.  It was also good to come back to, because it's less strenuous and helped me regain some fitness before (dun dun dun) Month 2 starts tomorrow.

Anyway, the reason I'm explaining this is mostly because I'm just taking my "30 day" pictures now.  I was already sort of wobbling when I was originally supposed to, then when I recommitted I decided I'd give myself a week of clean eating and working out again first.

Do I see a difference?  Yeah, I think so.  It's not dramatic, but 5ish weeks is not too long.  I'm both proud of my progress, and of course thinking about what it could've/should've/would've been if I hadn't fallen off the wagon.  But crying won't gain me anything; learning the lesson will.

Yesterday was good and on plan.  Today will be, too.  I hope/my plan is for this Sunday to report in for the first full week of giving it my best, in a while.  October could have been better, but I'm going to make November a great one. 

Lots of people make resolutions in January, but mine, here and now, is to not be full of weight loss regret come January!  To be strong and consistent and stick with it up to January.  To start 2012 more as the person I want to be, one healthy and wise choice at a time.

Let's do this. : )

Honesty

When I'm deep inside of me, don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone.
But when I want sincerity, tell me where else can I turn?
Cause you're the one that I depend upon.

Tonight's one of those nights when I'm just ready to ramble a bit.  I'm sipping my water, wearing cozy pajama pants, with plenty of time before bed.  It's a good time to think and write, so here we go.

I've been thinking a lot about support lately, and honesty... and how those two things don't necessarily go together.

When I'm struggling, it almost feels like a temporary bout of insanity comes over me.  I'm not ducking responsibility by actually claiming it does, but I feel so differently.  It's really strange to try and tell myself the same things that usually work, and have them just not mean anything or matter at all.  It's like flipping a light switch over and over; hoping for the light but staying in the dark.

I usually start by telling myself the truth- that I will feel so much worse if I give up for a while, that eating won't solve anything, etc.  But it seems so quiet in comparison to the lies I want to believe- that I deserve it, that it won't really hurt me long-term, etc. 

The people in my life that know I'm on this journey are really supportive.  But the thing is, people are different and thus supportive in different ways.  I know who will tell me, "It's okay, it's no big deal" when I say, "I want to go off for "one meal", for one day, for one week..."  Just like I know who will look at me askance.  Guess who I go to when I'm struggling?  I don't want the truth, you see, I just want support.

I want someone to tell me it's okay to do what I know is wrong, as if their well-meaning support makes left into right, out into in, or wrong into right.

I'm a pretty private person in "real life".  I'm an excellent listener though, and kind of the "go to" person for my friends and family to come and talk to when they have problems.  Lately... maybe it's the season, I don't know, it seems like everyone's struggling with something.

I don't like to tell people what I think they should do.  I try to listen.  I let them talk.  I outline their options, as I see them.  But in the end, I believe we all have to choose for ourselves, and then live with that choice as best as we can.  Sometimes, people do what I personally think is "right", but sometimes they don't.  And if they ask me... usually I say that no one can judge anyone else, we're all doing the best we can.

I believe that... and yet, I also know that sometimes the truth hurts but it helps, too.  Recently one of my friends made what I think is a a really bad decision.  When it got to that point, I felt like I had to say something; that it was the "right" thing to do.  Like we wouldn't stand by and let someone hurt themselves.

So I spoke up.  This was the "crappy situation leading to a crappy conversation leading to a hang-up" that inspired me to go for a run last Tuesday, actually.  Needless to say, it didn't go well.  Maybe he didn't want the truth, he only wanted support from me.  Maybe I should have given it... but I guess I don't truly believe that.  I tried not because I disapproved, but because I cared.

No one's ever brought up my weight.  Not at my very heaviest, when... well, not to get too cute, but the elephant in the room, etc.  I've found that it's only since I've been seriously trying to lose weight that I can talk at all about how I got there in the first place, and then only to a very, very few people. 

What if they had?  If someone had said, "I love you, but I'm worried about you.  I love you, but I want you to be healthy"?  It would have hurt, a lot.  Maybe I wasn't ready to hear it until I was, even though I knew it to be true.  Even though we all knew it to be true.  

I know one thing.  This is hard.  In a way, all my workouts and healthy meals blur together... but in a way they don't and part of me feels like I can feel and remember all of them.  I have tried to "diet" so many times before.  I have given up for years at a time.  This time, I'm trying not to.  I'm trying to think differently, to be different, and to get different results.

When I started C25K, I was raving about it so much that a friend of mine decided to try it.  I supported him all that I could.  I asked how it went, went sneaker shopping with him, shared whatever tips I'd picked up, etc.  I haven't seen him for a while and recently asked how it was going.  He sheepishly "admitted" he'd stopped a while ago.

The thing is, as someone who recently slacked herself for a couple weeks, I felt like I couldn't exactly get up in his grill.  Because we all mess up, right?  With that said, when he said, "I guess I just lack your commitment, motivation, whatever", I wasn't too pleased by the self-defeating implication that I'm somehow just "stronger" than he is.

I corrected him that I need to push myself every day to do the things I do to get healthy.  The only difference, I said, between people that are healthy and people that aren't isn't a sprinkling of magic fairy willpower dust; it's doing it.  It's doing it... or not.

I told him that, but really it was telling myself.  Support helps, we all know that.  It helps so much, and... see, I "expect" it from the people I know, because that's what friends/family are for.  But when I started writing here, I was surprised by how kind people are here in Bloggyland.  By how much I care how everyone else is doing and how much your support has helped me, too.

All that said, I do believe that in the end... we have to be honest with and support ourselves most of all, because no one else can "make" us do it.  No one else knows if we can push ourselves or if we legitimately only have enough gas in the tank to take it really, really easy.  No one else knows if eating that <thing that isn't on our plan> really is OK, or not.  Just us.

I have struggled, in so many ways.  Because of the past, because of the present, because of the future even.  Talking/writing helps me get through so much, but sometimes it overcomplicates things, too.  In a way, all solutions are simple and can be distilled down to "Yes" or "No".

Are we listening to what we really need?  Are we giving ourselves that?  Are we trying our best?  Yes, or no.

Don't stop, don't give up.  Support others, and get support for yourself.  Be honest.  And keep trying, yes?

Yes.

Christmas Dress Countdown Challenge - Update 7

This is the place I come to be honest about losing weight.  In the spirit of that, I'm going to say that the above number terrifies me.  I feel... I don't know, dumb or ungrateful or just flat-out weird for saying that, because it's not like I tripped onto the scale and realized I lost 52 lbs one day.  This has been what I've actively worked for, every time I eat healthy foods, every time I drag myself kicking to workout.  But... all that said, it's true.

I think part of the reason I struggled last week was seeing 170.  That's the weight I met my husband at.  I felt pretty good there.  Going under that?  I don't know.  It's like... if Rapunzel could remember being taken to her tower.  From then on, she looks out to the farthest point she can see- a tree, a really big rock, some landmark, and she imagines herself back there.  How it will feel, and who she will be.

But the thing is, once she's out, and she's free... she gets there.  She climbs the tree, she touches the rock, and then she looks past it at the wide world beyond and realizes, This is as far as I could see.  So what the heck am I looking at, and where do I go from here?

This is a pretty goofy analogy, but I feel myself calming down a little, too.  I guess we can both only do the same thing, this analogous fairy tale Princess and I- take one step at a time.

Today I am no longer obese.  I am overweight instead.  And I went out and did something crazy to acknowledge that- I told people what I weighed.  Part of it was because I was proud.  A larger part of it was because it made me feel more accountable.  This isn't a "finish line", it's just a mile marker.  On this particular journey, I can go backwards or forwards; my choice.  As a result of my choices.

This is probably an ongoing conversation I'm going to have with myself, but for now let's get this update out before the deadline.  How this week went:

Calories/Water/Exercise: Once I recommitted, all good. 

Book: Finished "The Spark" for the most part now, because it's at the "plan" stage and I have my own.  I did find all the inspiration/motivation stuff pretty good and will probably reread it since it's both been a while and I'm kind of rebooting.

Consistency: Working on it.  Trying to be more consistent at being consistent...

Blogging/Support: I've finally mostly caught up on reading, now I need to do more commenting.  It's funny, when you're in the groove and you run out of blogs to read you're like, "Aww man, I need more blogs!"  When you've been out of the loop, it's more like, "Can't... read... any... faster", haha.

So that's about it.  One more week down, and hopefully a little closer to our goals.

I haven't said it in a while.  I need to say it, to read it, to believe it again:  Don't stop.  Don't give up.  Keep trying.

Keep trying.

Trying

I'm happy.  Isn't that funny?  Finding some peace with yourself makes everything else feel so manageable, somehow.

Yesterday was a great day.  I worked out, I ate on plan, I drank tons of water, and then when it was late at night and I could feel I still had some energy, I went for a jog. 

So here's the thing.  I started C25K, got to Week 7 or something like that, which is jogging about 25 minutes at a stretch.  Then I started Insanity and indefinitely paused running because I felt like the program was as much as my body could handle.

On Tuesday, after days of being off-plan and weeks of lacking focus, I got so sick of my spiral that I went for a jog.  I was mad and sad and I wanted to do something instead of sit around thinking about it.  I ran as long as I could, then stopped and looked at the clock.  It was 7 minutes.  It was also a big kick in the butt as far as realizing I can and was letting fitness slip away from me.

Yesterday, it was late at night.  I'm a night owl, I love the night, but... everyone knows the dangers then too, because one generally isn't as busy as the day.  I felt my various gremlins starting to stir, so I threw on my clothes and hit the road.

And it was probably the best thing I've done for myself in a long time.  It was really cold, but I quickly warmed up.  It was really dark, but I like that, and as my eyes adjusted all I could see was the sky full of stars.  I went without music so I could be more alert, and it was quiet, too- just the sound of the wind and my breathing, the rhythm of my steps and the leaves rustling.

Last time had been 7 minutes, so I told myself I'd do 7 rounds of the block, which was bound to improve on that.  Once I'd done 7, I felt that moment of exultation you get when you have accomplished something you set your mind to.  I thought, I've made my point.  And then I thought, No... not quite yet.  I did one more lap to make it 8, and looked at the clock.

21 minutes.  I can't really express how good that felt.  It was like finding something I thought I had lost.  It was like mentally reaching out and touching a wall, and realizing that what I've tried to build isn't completely gone.  It was telling myself, you can do this.

When I was off plan, I told myself every day, "Tomorrow, tomorrow."  I wanted to do better, but I wasn't strong enough to stop myself.  Right now, so close to it still... it's so easy and clear to see that staying on the plan may not always be easy, but it's better in every way than that.  There is almost nothing worse than feeling like we are not in control of ourselves, I think.

Today was a good day also.  I ate on plan, drank a lot of water, and... well, here's the thing.  It was a long day and I was tired.  I went out, told myself I'd work out later (yeah, that almost never ends well), and when I got home I thought about all the reasons it would be fairly ridiculous to work out so late.

And then I thought about the one, perhaps most compelling, reason it wouldn't be- because sometimes we just have to "DOIT".  So I got Insane, started writing this at 2am, and began it with, "I'm happy."

And I am.  I don't want to make 1am workouts a habit, haha, but I know I would feel quite differently right now if I had let myself make excuses and go to bed.  Sometimes we need to be silly to be serious about something.

Tonight, talking about something completely unrelated to weight loss, someone said, "You don't get to choose how you die, but you can choose how to live."  I'm sure I've heard it before, but it really struck me right now.

When I was faltering, I felt like I was out of control.  I knew, logically, that it was all a choice.  That I was allowing myself to lose it every day.  But sometimes... it's hard to remember.  It's hard to believe in yourself, and that's what finally made me try to put the brakes on, the realization that I was giving up on myself.

I don't want to do that.  I want to keep trying, and if that means the occasional 1am workout, then OK.  This is me choosing how to live, and I feel pretty passionate about that.

Tomorrow (well, technically later today) will be a Good Day.  If we believe that, we can effect that.  Let's "DOIT"!

Christmas Dress Countdown Challenge - Update 6

First and foremost, thank you for the support last post.  It's time I get "back to it" in more ways than one, so here's my belated Challenge post:

+1 lb from last week

Let's be honest here.  Calories/Exercise/Consistency/Water/Reading/Support/Blogging?  No, for all of it.  There were a few minutes before I started typing again, because that really sank in.  Can't get those days back.  I will do better.

Today was a new day.  I don't know why being angry helped, but it did.  I've told myself "Tomorrow, tomorrow" multiple days now, and then in the morning I'd just say it again.  Being angry meant having zero tolerance for my own BS I guess.  It meant being "fired up" and ready to fight again.

I woke up and worked out.  Let me just say, I could feel every day that I hadn't.  I have not lost all the stamina I gained, but I'm feeling noticeably sore and it helps to remind me: Use your muscles, or lose them.  It felt good to get back to it.  It felt good to sweat, and cleansing in a way.

I ate totally on-plan today.  When I was making my oatmeal, I got the comment, "Back to the oatmeal?  I'm sure you've missed that!"  But the funny thing is, I did in a way.  My problem has never been enjoying food too much, because arguably, one bite allows you to enjoy the taste of something.  My problem is eating as a reaction to feelings I'm having.

Eating my oatmeal gave me a palpable feeling of control again.  This is not exciting food, and I do not want it to be.  I don't want something delicious or exciting or that stirs up memories or emotions. I just want... you know, food.  It goes in my body, it gives me fuel, and then I move on with the business of living.

Finally, here I am blogging again.  Princess Dieter had a great suggestion to try blogging every day for a while as I reestablish good habits and consistency, and I'm going to give it my best.  While I'm blogging, I'm not getting into any trouble right?  

Here's the thing.  I know that I will struggle again, that some days I won't want to do all of this, all the things we do, constantly, to stay on our plans.  But if I keep getting back to it, keep trying, then I can't really fail.  I gave up for years.  I honestly believed, well I'll just keep buying bigger clothes because this is who I am.

That's crap.  It was true at the time because it's what I believed, but it never had to be.  And like working out today... I realize it's going to take some work to "get back" to where I want to be, but there's still something there that didn't used to be, to build on.  I'm happy about that, and I'm hopeful, and I'm ready to fight to be healthy again, physically and mentally.

Thank you for your kind words.  Much like the Grinch when his blog buddies supported him, my heart grew three sizes.  I can't wait to catch up on my reading and commenting.  Let's do this! : )