Trying

I'm happy.  Isn't that funny?  Finding some peace with yourself makes everything else feel so manageable, somehow.

Yesterday was a great day.  I worked out, I ate on plan, I drank tons of water, and then when it was late at night and I could feel I still had some energy, I went for a jog. 

So here's the thing.  I started C25K, got to Week 7 or something like that, which is jogging about 25 minutes at a stretch.  Then I started Insanity and indefinitely paused running because I felt like the program was as much as my body could handle.

On Tuesday, after days of being off-plan and weeks of lacking focus, I got so sick of my spiral that I went for a jog.  I was mad and sad and I wanted to do something instead of sit around thinking about it.  I ran as long as I could, then stopped and looked at the clock.  It was 7 minutes.  It was also a big kick in the butt as far as realizing I can and was letting fitness slip away from me.

Yesterday, it was late at night.  I'm a night owl, I love the night, but... everyone knows the dangers then too, because one generally isn't as busy as the day.  I felt my various gremlins starting to stir, so I threw on my clothes and hit the road.

And it was probably the best thing I've done for myself in a long time.  It was really cold, but I quickly warmed up.  It was really dark, but I like that, and as my eyes adjusted all I could see was the sky full of stars.  I went without music so I could be more alert, and it was quiet, too- just the sound of the wind and my breathing, the rhythm of my steps and the leaves rustling.

Last time had been 7 minutes, so I told myself I'd do 7 rounds of the block, which was bound to improve on that.  Once I'd done 7, I felt that moment of exultation you get when you have accomplished something you set your mind to.  I thought, I've made my point.  And then I thought, No... not quite yet.  I did one more lap to make it 8, and looked at the clock.

21 minutes.  I can't really express how good that felt.  It was like finding something I thought I had lost.  It was like mentally reaching out and touching a wall, and realizing that what I've tried to build isn't completely gone.  It was telling myself, you can do this.

When I was off plan, I told myself every day, "Tomorrow, tomorrow."  I wanted to do better, but I wasn't strong enough to stop myself.  Right now, so close to it still... it's so easy and clear to see that staying on the plan may not always be easy, but it's better in every way than that.  There is almost nothing worse than feeling like we are not in control of ourselves, I think.

Today was a good day also.  I ate on plan, drank a lot of water, and... well, here's the thing.  It was a long day and I was tired.  I went out, told myself I'd work out later (yeah, that almost never ends well), and when I got home I thought about all the reasons it would be fairly ridiculous to work out so late.

And then I thought about the one, perhaps most compelling, reason it wouldn't be- because sometimes we just have to "DOIT".  So I got Insane, started writing this at 2am, and began it with, "I'm happy."

And I am.  I don't want to make 1am workouts a habit, haha, but I know I would feel quite differently right now if I had let myself make excuses and go to bed.  Sometimes we need to be silly to be serious about something.

Tonight, talking about something completely unrelated to weight loss, someone said, "You don't get to choose how you die, but you can choose how to live."  I'm sure I've heard it before, but it really struck me right now.

When I was faltering, I felt like I was out of control.  I knew, logically, that it was all a choice.  That I was allowing myself to lose it every day.  But sometimes... it's hard to remember.  It's hard to believe in yourself, and that's what finally made me try to put the brakes on, the realization that I was giving up on myself.

I don't want to do that.  I want to keep trying, and if that means the occasional 1am workout, then OK.  This is me choosing how to live, and I feel pretty passionate about that.

Tomorrow (well, technically later today) will be a Good Day.  If we believe that, we can effect that.  Let's "DOIT"!