Goals

Thin Chic left a comment on my CDCC Update post that I thought about on and off all day today.  It was, "Be careful because you may be at your natural weight now. 166 is a great weight. Don't get addicted to the loss. Ask others if you look like you are at a NORMAL weight. And believe them! It takes a long time for you to see your actual image in the mirror. You will see a fat person for a long time once you lose weight."

I think there's a lot of wisdom to that.  I've never reached a weight loss goal before- I climbed steadily upwards for a long time.  Something I've heard from people who have though, is that a distorted self-image is really common.  That it can be easy to lose sight of where our body's actually at.

So I contemplated the concept of reaching our goals.  The truth is that when I look in the mirror now, sometimes I'm surprised at the girl I see there.  I think I look okay, and I know that I feel a lot better than I did for a long time, both physically and self-esteem-wise.

I asked myself, is that enough?

But the truth, which can be a complicated thing, is that it isn't.

Here is my goal: to feel like my body isn't holding me back from anything.  That can mean a lot of things, both literal and figurative.  I've briefly touched upon the anxiety and depression issues I struggled with in the past... my weight never literally kept me in the house, unable to leave.  But it held me back emotionally, for sure.  I held myself back.

That's changed now.  After fits and starts, I started this particular phase of the journey at 215 lbs.  I was scared to name numbers then.  I was scared to set specific goals because I didn't want to fail them, again.  So I said that my goal was health. 

I don't have any children, but I do have my nieces.  I see them often and love them more than I can say.  At 215 lbs, I played with them differently.  We walk to the park a lot now.  I go on the slide with them.  We run around.  And every moment I am acutely conscious that I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't do these things when I was heavier.  And I am more grateful than I can ever put into words for it, the health that I've worked for and have now.

So it's not just health.  It's not a number on the scale, or a (highly variable) clothing size on a tag.  It's about... see, I love to swim.  The last time I did it was years and years ago and the reason is 100% because of how I felt about my body.

I want to be able to put on a bathing suit and go to the beach next summer.  I'm not trying for a bikini.  I just want to be able to think more about what I'm doing than what I'm wearing. 

I guess when I get to that point, that's my "goal".  Whatever the scale says then.  Whatever my BMI is then.  Whenever that is.  That's my goal.

Now, staying in that place?  Maintaining that because of a new lifestyle and a metamorphosed headspace?  That's a whole other thing.  But let's worry about getting there first.  One step in front of the other.  One good choice at a time.

I truly believe we all have the strength in us to do this.  Keep trying, friends.

Eating: apple, almonds, greek yogurt, salad, chicken breast, broccoli, pear, lots of water
Exercise: jogged a little over 5k (practicing for this Sunday!)