CDCC - Update 10

Weigh-in: 163

Hard to admit.  There was a point that I wanted to quit, I'll be honest.  But I remembered- "good, bad, or in-between".  So here we are.

In stories, people go through trials and tribulations.  They struggle, they grow, they learn.  In the end, they accomplish something.  Even in the sad stories, they may be sadder but they're wiser.  They may bear scars, but they are served by them, too.  They find happiness or peace; something that makes you say, this was worth reading.  This was a journey and we didn't end up in the same place that we started.  We went somewhere worth going.

If this was a story, it wouldn't be a very good one.  If I could write it, it would be simple.  "She decided to lose weight.  She had an epiphany, a realization that got her started.  She began, she struggled, but in the end she persevered.  They lived happily ever after."

Because how many times can one write that they didn't learn the lesson?  Went backwards instead of forward?  How many times can we read that?

How many times can I live it?

I'm just... reflecting, and have been.

This week.  The peaceful ones blur together, but the hard ones are each unique, to paraphrase.  I traveled for the funeral I spoke of last week.  I did not make good choices, which is just a slightly "better"-sounding way of saying outright that I made poor ones.

I save a lot of motivational sayings and posters, the kind people post on their blogs, in a folder called "Inspiration".  There's one I really like that says, "There are always two paths.  One is easy, and its only reward is that it's easy."

It's true.  There are always two paths.  You stand in line and you know, I can order the salad or something else.  I can or I can't, will or I won't.  I do, or I don't.

I jogged a few times this week, because you don't need special equipment to do so- just sneakers and a will.  It didn't negate the bad choices.  It didn't replace good ones.  Do we get credit for half-hearted efforts?  I remember reading a blogger write that she wished the scale reflected all we didn't eat, all we said no to when we wanted to say yes.  I wished that, too.

But that's not how it works.  We get out what we put in.  We are what we do.

I told myself, "You'll be perfect tomorrow."  And then, tomorrow would come and I'd say, "You'll be perfect today.  Today is a new chance, a fresh start.  Just do it."

But "perfection" is intimidating, and changing direction is hard.  In the end, I remembered what I wrote on the top of my blog when I first started it.  "A person trying."

This is not a good story, perhaps.  I go back before I go forwards.  I don't learn, and relearn, over and over.  But it's my story, and the only one I have.

The 5k is now in three weeks, exactly.  I jogged 3.4 miles.  I was slow.  It was cold.  I cleared my mind and I just kept going, one foot in front of the other.  When I wanted to stop, I asked myself if it was the most my body could do or just my mind wanting to give up.  It wasn't my body, so I kept going.  "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

Then I drank water, ate an apple, took my multivitamins.  Things I haven't done in a week.  What is perfection, after all?  It's an unachievable goal.  What is success?  It is the culmination of our efforts.  It is the big picture, made up of a hundred small pieces.  It's every time we do, instead of don't.

I did not have a good week.  In honesty, I did not even have a good day, exactly.  But what do I have?  A good night.  A good jog.  Good choices, like pearls on a strand, one at a time.

I can't, won't make any promises here.  A great mind said that doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, is insanity.  Perhaps it's true, but when it is a result worth striving for and we do, we call that perseverance, too.

I want to "do better".  Want to be strong, consistent, supportive... healthy.  I struggle, and will struggle again.  But I know, have relearned and re-believe that the story isn't over until it is.  As long as there is life, there is hope.  There are two paths.

Keep writing it.  Keep believing.  And keep trying.