Weigh-in: 164
This morning was a wake-up call. I've gotten complacent, and that's a one-way ticket back to where I was. I hate writing this- it's embarrassing and humbling and patience-trying, all at the same time.
Last night, I read an excellent article in the Smithsonian that tied Henry Morton Stanley's great accomplishments to his determination and willpower. Here's an excerpt:
"...but his approach embodied an acknowledged principle of self-control: Focus on lofty thoughts.
This strategy was tested at New York University by researchers including Kentaro Fujita and Yaacov trope. They found that self-control improved among people who were encouraged to think in high-level terms (Why do you maintain good health?), and got worse among those who thought in lower-level terms (How do you maintain good health?).
After engaging in high-level thinking, people were more likely to pass up a quick reward for something better in the future. . . . The results showed that a narrow, concrete, here-and-now focus works against self-control, whereas a broad, abstract, long-term focus supports it."
After I read that, I came to my computer and wrote this:
"Why am I doing this?
To accomplish something. To stick to a plan, and see it out to "the end". To a goal, not to "good enough". To be strong enough to get it done. To be brave enough to stick with it. To prove to myself that I can.
That's why.
The weight, sizes, appearance are side effects. Wonderful side effects, but not the reason.
Why am I doing this? Because I need to prove to myself that I am worth it, and able to do so, and no one else can do that for me."
As of today, I'm back to the eating plan that worked for me- lean protein, brown rice, oatmeal, some fruit, and vegetables. Lots of water. 6 days per week of some kind of exercise (since the 5k is next Sunday, it will be all running this week; possibly back to Insanity after that). Blogging about it every single day, and leaving at least one supportive comment on another blog too.
There's a month until Christmas. Two, until a trip I'm going on. But somehow, neither of those things have helped me to be strong in the face of temptation and the choices I know I shouldn't make. I hope my "high-level terms", combined with a return to disciplined habits, gets me there.
Every time I "give in", it's so hard for me to get back to where I need to be, where it's easy to say no, and I do. No excuses, no more backsliding, just "doit".
Have a busy day today, but back to update again later and see how everyone else is faring. Well, I hope. Continuing to be healthy and strong, if we have been, and getting back to it if we haven't. We can do this. Let's do this.
Why do you strive for good health?
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving
I hope everyone has a wonderful day today, however you plan to spend it. If you eat, enjoy it! If you abstain, own it! I'll be partaking, not too crazily, and buckling back in for this journey tomorrow.
I'm thankful for many things in my "offline" life, but I'm thankful for all my blog friends too. :) Have a happy, healthy, and safe day out there!
I'm thankful for many things in my "offline" life, but I'm thankful for all my blog friends too. :) Have a happy, healthy, and safe day out there!
Monday, November 21, 2011
CDCC Update
Had some unexpected out-of-town guests (not that they just showed up, but they'd originally planned to stay at a hotel), and that made things hectic. I apologize, I mean it, and now onto the update.
I meant to write last week about an article I read. I have something half-finished in Drafts, but I'll just roll it into here now. It was about our bellies, and showing photos of "normal" people's stomachs. Some were toned and some were big, some were smooth and some were scarred. It really made me think about my perception of what I "should" look like as a goal.
The last time I weighed this much, I was probably in my late teens. My body's not the same, though- I'm older now, and I placed the stress of obesity on myself for a long time. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I get pretty wistful about wishing things were tighter, smoother, etc.
But it is what it is. And we are who we are. That article reminded me that "normal" people aren't perfect. It doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to be healthy, because caring about ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally is incredibly important. But it does mean... to me, it means we should accept that we bear the scars of our misses even as we strive to succeed.
This week, I'm down half of a lb. It's not a big loss, but I'm still pretty happy with it because it's in the right direction.
Here's the thing. This week I had guests, and last night I went to a big party. Between both of these things, I've indulged in non-healthy food. But "indulged" itself is such an indicative word, that by its nature means out of the norm and occasional.
I used to "indulge" every day, every meal. This week, perhaps I had some big dinners, but I also had healthy breakfasts and lunches. I also ran 3 miles several times, and drank lots of water.
What is a habit? It's something we do; that's all. I used to have a lot of terrible food-related habits. For a while, I had really great habits. Either way, the past is the past. What am I going to do today? Am I going to keep "indulging", or am I going to get back to "normal", as I want it to be?
Which is exercising, which is eating well, hydrating, not turning to food as comfort, and only occasionally eating special foods for special reasons. Not even in moderation, necessarily, because I still don't know that I can handle that, but as a part of celebrations.
Last night, I wore a sparkly dress and heels and make-up. And then I laid them away, because that's not who I am everyday. I want that to be true for the food, as well. I'm going to keep working on that.
The last time I weighed this much, I was probably in my late teens. My body's not the same, though- I'm older now, and I placed the stress of obesity on myself for a long time. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I get pretty wistful about wishing things were tighter, smoother, etc.
But it is what it is. And we are who we are. That article reminded me that "normal" people aren't perfect. It doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to be healthy, because caring about ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally is incredibly important. But it does mean... to me, it means we should accept that we bear the scars of our misses even as we strive to succeed.
There's my belly. It's probably the part of my body I'm most self-conscious about, so why I'm posting it on the internet is completely baffling in a way. But I think my point is... this is a journey. This is my journey to be a healthier, happier person. It's about losing weight and gaining self-image, and it's also about changing how I think and feel.
It's about being proud of what I've accomplished while still trying to accomplish more; accepting who I am while still trying to be a stronger and healthier version of myself.
Let's keep fighting. It's not "all or nothing", it's choices every day. It's picking ourselves up when we fall and getting on with it. It's doing it; good, bad, or indifferent.
I've had good, bad, and indifferent by this point. But I'm still trying. I'm not giving up, though I've been offline more than on lately.
We can do this, ladies. I hope it's not weird to say that I'm so proud of all of us. Now let's keep doing it, and keep trying!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
CDCC - Update 10
Weigh-in: 163
Hard to admit. There was a point that I wanted to quit, I'll be honest. But I remembered- "good, bad, or in-between". So here we are.
In stories, people go through trials and tribulations. They struggle, they grow, they learn. In the end, they accomplish something. Even in the sad stories, they may be sadder but they're wiser. They may bear scars, but they are served by them, too. They find happiness or peace; something that makes you say, this was worth reading. This was a journey and we didn't end up in the same place that we started. We went somewhere worth going.
If this was a story, it wouldn't be a very good one. If I could write it, it would be simple. "She decided to lose weight. She had an epiphany, a realization that got her started. She began, she struggled, but in the end she persevered. They lived happily ever after."
Because how many times can one write that they didn't learn the lesson? Went backwards instead of forward? How many times can we read that?
How many times can I live it?
I'm just... reflecting, and have been.
This week. The peaceful ones blur together, but the hard ones are each unique, to paraphrase. I traveled for the funeral I spoke of last week. I did not make good choices, which is just a slightly "better"-sounding way of saying outright that I made poor ones.
I save a lot of motivational sayings and posters, the kind people post on their blogs, in a folder called "Inspiration". There's one I really like that says, "There are always two paths. One is easy, and its only reward is that it's easy."
It's true. There are always two paths. You stand in line and you know, I can order the salad or something else. I can or I can't, will or I won't. I do, or I don't.
I jogged a few times this week, because you don't need special equipment to do so- just sneakers and a will. It didn't negate the bad choices. It didn't replace good ones. Do we get credit for half-hearted efforts? I remember reading a blogger write that she wished the scale reflected all we didn't eat, all we said no to when we wanted to say yes. I wished that, too.
But that's not how it works. We get out what we put in. We are what we do.
I told myself, "You'll be perfect tomorrow." And then, tomorrow would come and I'd say, "You'll be perfect today. Today is a new chance, a fresh start. Just do it."
But "perfection" is intimidating, and changing direction is hard. In the end, I remembered what I wrote on the top of my blog when I first started it. "A person trying."
This is not a good story, perhaps. I go back before I go forwards. I don't learn, and relearn, over and over. But it's my story, and the only one I have.
The 5k is now in three weeks, exactly. I jogged 3.4 miles. I was slow. It was cold. I cleared my mind and I just kept going, one foot in front of the other. When I wanted to stop, I asked myself if it was the most my body could do or just my mind wanting to give up. It wasn't my body, so I kept going. "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
Then I drank water, ate an apple, took my multivitamins. Things I haven't done in a week. What is perfection, after all? It's an unachievable goal. What is success? It is the culmination of our efforts. It is the big picture, made up of a hundred small pieces. It's every time we do, instead of don't.
I did not have a good week. In honesty, I did not even have a good day, exactly. But what do I have? A good night. A good jog. Good choices, like pearls on a strand, one at a time.
I can't, won't make any promises here. A great mind said that doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, is insanity. Perhaps it's true, but when it is a result worth striving for and we do, we call that perseverance, too.
I want to "do better". Want to be strong, consistent, supportive... healthy. I struggle, and will struggle again. But I know, have relearned and re-believe that the story isn't over until it is. As long as there is life, there is hope. There are two paths.
Keep writing it. Keep believing. And keep trying.
Hard to admit. There was a point that I wanted to quit, I'll be honest. But I remembered- "good, bad, or in-between". So here we are.
In stories, people go through trials and tribulations. They struggle, they grow, they learn. In the end, they accomplish something. Even in the sad stories, they may be sadder but they're wiser. They may bear scars, but they are served by them, too. They find happiness or peace; something that makes you say, this was worth reading. This was a journey and we didn't end up in the same place that we started. We went somewhere worth going.
If this was a story, it wouldn't be a very good one. If I could write it, it would be simple. "She decided to lose weight. She had an epiphany, a realization that got her started. She began, she struggled, but in the end she persevered. They lived happily ever after."
Because how many times can one write that they didn't learn the lesson? Went backwards instead of forward? How many times can we read that?
How many times can I live it?
I'm just... reflecting, and have been.
This week. The peaceful ones blur together, but the hard ones are each unique, to paraphrase. I traveled for the funeral I spoke of last week. I did not make good choices, which is just a slightly "better"-sounding way of saying outright that I made poor ones.
I save a lot of motivational sayings and posters, the kind people post on their blogs, in a folder called "Inspiration". There's one I really like that says, "There are always two paths. One is easy, and its only reward is that it's easy."
It's true. There are always two paths. You stand in line and you know, I can order the salad or something else. I can or I can't, will or I won't. I do, or I don't.
I jogged a few times this week, because you don't need special equipment to do so- just sneakers and a will. It didn't negate the bad choices. It didn't replace good ones. Do we get credit for half-hearted efforts? I remember reading a blogger write that she wished the scale reflected all we didn't eat, all we said no to when we wanted to say yes. I wished that, too.
But that's not how it works. We get out what we put in. We are what we do.
I told myself, "You'll be perfect tomorrow." And then, tomorrow would come and I'd say, "You'll be perfect today. Today is a new chance, a fresh start. Just do it."
But "perfection" is intimidating, and changing direction is hard. In the end, I remembered what I wrote on the top of my blog when I first started it. "A person trying."
This is not a good story, perhaps. I go back before I go forwards. I don't learn, and relearn, over and over. But it's my story, and the only one I have.
The 5k is now in three weeks, exactly. I jogged 3.4 miles. I was slow. It was cold. I cleared my mind and I just kept going, one foot in front of the other. When I wanted to stop, I asked myself if it was the most my body could do or just my mind wanting to give up. It wasn't my body, so I kept going. "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
Then I drank water, ate an apple, took my multivitamins. Things I haven't done in a week. What is perfection, after all? It's an unachievable goal. What is success? It is the culmination of our efforts. It is the big picture, made up of a hundred small pieces. It's every time we do, instead of don't.
I did not have a good week. In honesty, I did not even have a good day, exactly. But what do I have? A good night. A good jog. Good choices, like pearls on a strand, one at a time.
I can't, won't make any promises here. A great mind said that doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, is insanity. Perhaps it's true, but when it is a result worth striving for and we do, we call that perseverance, too.
I want to "do better". Want to be strong, consistent, supportive... healthy. I struggle, and will struggle again. But I know, have relearned and re-believe that the story isn't over until it is. As long as there is life, there is hope. There are two paths.
Keep writing it. Keep believing. And keep trying.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
CDCC - Update
Weigh-in: 160.5
This is a super brief one. One of my oldest friends unexpectedly lost one of her parents this week, so I've been doing everything I can there. I also found out that a family member that's been struggling with an illness isn't doing so well. Things are really sad and stressful right now, but I know that doesn't mean it's an excuse to lose my... stuff.
Life happens. Sometimes it's wonderful and sometimes it's tragic. If I'm ever going to deal with my weight, then I'm going to have to learn how to overcome the hard times without food. This is a big test for that. All the talking and thinking in the world comes down to action sometimes.
Am I going to keep trying? Or am I not?
This is a super brief one. One of my oldest friends unexpectedly lost one of her parents this week, so I've been doing everything I can there. I also found out that a family member that's been struggling with an illness isn't doing so well. Things are really sad and stressful right now, but I know that doesn't mean it's an excuse to lose my... stuff.
Life happens. Sometimes it's wonderful and sometimes it's tragic. If I'm ever going to deal with my weight, then I'm going to have to learn how to overcome the hard times without food. This is a big test for that. All the talking and thinking in the world comes down to action sometimes.
Am I going to keep trying? Or am I not?
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Who/When
Yesterday was, of course, Halloween. I took a photo with my niece
and posted it on Facebook. I've mentioned that I'm fairly private,
so this journey isn't something I've talked about there at all. As these things go, there's a lot of people there I don't see very
often, and I got some kind comments about how I look right now.
It's strange... I know that I've lost weight. I know that I feel better, and that when I look in the mirror, I feel more positive about what I see there. But knowing these things and realizing them aren't the same, I guess.
I looked at that photo for a long time. I kept looking at it, and eventually I realized that it's because I don't see myself as "her". Our faces should be the most familiar thing in the world to ourselves, but when I look at that photo... I don't feel like it's me.
I haven't ever touched upon this before, because it feels like no matter how I phrase it, it comes off as "bragging" and that is the absolute last thing I want. But... I do realize that I have been immensely lucky on this journey so far. I know that this is work, that it didn't just "happen", but reading blogs makes it crystal clear that our bodies are all so different, and that there are people who work so hard and do not see results that equal their efforts. I have lost pretty quickly, and I wonder if that's part of the reason I feel so... disconnected from where I am right now.
Shortly after I started this journey, I was sick enough to go to the doctor. I remember that I had been working hard at this for a few weeks, had lost maybe 15 lbs, and felt good. I felt different, you know? My clothes were starting to be baggier, etc.
She asked how much I weighed, and I lied and said something in the 190s. It sounded better to me than slightly over 200, which is where I actually was. I felt OK saying it, like I didn't feel OK saying the truth. I felt a bit proud of myself, because I was healthier than I had been. And then she took out the blood pressure cuff, and it was the XL size.
That little thing was an emotional blow to me. She was very nice and didn't mention my weight at all, but... well, that said a lot. Why do I share this slightly painful and embarrassing story? Because... I actually am under 200 lbs now, I'm not just pretending it. Because 190 slipped by, and then 180, and so on, but somehow none of those numbers feel as "real" as that, as the day I reached the weight I said I was. And I wondered, does it match how I feel inside now?
The other day, I went to the grocery store to pick up Halloween candy for the house. I felt the old, terrible urge to pick up something for myself too, by which I mean something to secretly binge on. I didn't. I bought my fruits and veggies and went to the car, and after I buckled my seat belt I saw a very overweight woman across the lane... but back to this in a moment.
Last week, I was with someone and they made a comment about someone's weight. It wasn't... overt, or vicious. If it had been I want to believe I would have said something. It was just "stating it" in a way, I guess. But I can't remember someone saying anything like that in front of me before, for the obvious reason. And it just made me so sad.
No one wants to be addicted to food any more than they "want" to have an alcohol or drug addiction. But some of us are, and we struggle, and we damage our bodies and our self-esteems with it, and we may or may not be able to find the strength and courage and willpower to fight it before it overcomes us in some way.
That's what I think about when I see others that are seriously overweight. When I looked at this woman in the parking lot, and our eyes met for a moment, I felt (whether this is accurate or not) the understanding of someone else struggling with the same thing. Because a handful of chips or the occasional slice of cake don't bring you to that point. For the most part, neither obesity or health are "incidental". They are the result of daily choices we make, and have made.
Most of me is the same exact person inside that I was when I weighed 240 lbs. The biggest difference is that I am really fighting my addiction now... but I am still an addict inside.
I have some stuff coming up, as I've mentioned, little goals to motivate me. An event here, a trip there, etc. But I still find myself thinking, when can I binge again? When those are over? And I just hope with everything in me that I have the strength then to say no, that I will find new goals and keep going. It's not "never", right now. It's "later", which is certainly better than "now", but... it needs to be never, and I'm not there yet. Will I be, one day?
I wonder when I will feel like I'm a real "weight loser". Because right now, I can say I've lost weight, but it still feels everyday like it might just be temporary. When will I want to eat healthy more than I want to eat comforting, addictive crap? When will I want to exercise more than not?
When will I look at a photo and recognize myself?
I don't know. Who/when? But I do believe that we learn something by the asking, and by our attempts to figure it out. Every day, every meal. I struggle, but I am fighting one day at a time.
I ate well today. I'm still sick, and exercise-resting. I drank my water. I read, commented, and posted. I'm trying to be healthy, and trying to figure it out.
Don't give up. Never give up. Keep trying.
It's strange... I know that I've lost weight. I know that I feel better, and that when I look in the mirror, I feel more positive about what I see there. But knowing these things and realizing them aren't the same, I guess.
I looked at that photo for a long time. I kept looking at it, and eventually I realized that it's because I don't see myself as "her". Our faces should be the most familiar thing in the world to ourselves, but when I look at that photo... I don't feel like it's me.
I haven't ever touched upon this before, because it feels like no matter how I phrase it, it comes off as "bragging" and that is the absolute last thing I want. But... I do realize that I have been immensely lucky on this journey so far. I know that this is work, that it didn't just "happen", but reading blogs makes it crystal clear that our bodies are all so different, and that there are people who work so hard and do not see results that equal their efforts. I have lost pretty quickly, and I wonder if that's part of the reason I feel so... disconnected from where I am right now.
Shortly after I started this journey, I was sick enough to go to the doctor. I remember that I had been working hard at this for a few weeks, had lost maybe 15 lbs, and felt good. I felt different, you know? My clothes were starting to be baggier, etc.
She asked how much I weighed, and I lied and said something in the 190s. It sounded better to me than slightly over 200, which is where I actually was. I felt OK saying it, like I didn't feel OK saying the truth. I felt a bit proud of myself, because I was healthier than I had been. And then she took out the blood pressure cuff, and it was the XL size.
That little thing was an emotional blow to me. She was very nice and didn't mention my weight at all, but... well, that said a lot. Why do I share this slightly painful and embarrassing story? Because... I actually am under 200 lbs now, I'm not just pretending it. Because 190 slipped by, and then 180, and so on, but somehow none of those numbers feel as "real" as that, as the day I reached the weight I said I was. And I wondered, does it match how I feel inside now?
The other day, I went to the grocery store to pick up Halloween candy for the house. I felt the old, terrible urge to pick up something for myself too, by which I mean something to secretly binge on. I didn't. I bought my fruits and veggies and went to the car, and after I buckled my seat belt I saw a very overweight woman across the lane... but back to this in a moment.
Last week, I was with someone and they made a comment about someone's weight. It wasn't... overt, or vicious. If it had been I want to believe I would have said something. It was just "stating it" in a way, I guess. But I can't remember someone saying anything like that in front of me before, for the obvious reason. And it just made me so sad.
No one wants to be addicted to food any more than they "want" to have an alcohol or drug addiction. But some of us are, and we struggle, and we damage our bodies and our self-esteems with it, and we may or may not be able to find the strength and courage and willpower to fight it before it overcomes us in some way.
That's what I think about when I see others that are seriously overweight. When I looked at this woman in the parking lot, and our eyes met for a moment, I felt (whether this is accurate or not) the understanding of someone else struggling with the same thing. Because a handful of chips or the occasional slice of cake don't bring you to that point. For the most part, neither obesity or health are "incidental". They are the result of daily choices we make, and have made.
Most of me is the same exact person inside that I was when I weighed 240 lbs. The biggest difference is that I am really fighting my addiction now... but I am still an addict inside.
I have some stuff coming up, as I've mentioned, little goals to motivate me. An event here, a trip there, etc. But I still find myself thinking, when can I binge again? When those are over? And I just hope with everything in me that I have the strength then to say no, that I will find new goals and keep going. It's not "never", right now. It's "later", which is certainly better than "now", but... it needs to be never, and I'm not there yet. Will I be, one day?
I wonder when I will feel like I'm a real "weight loser". Because right now, I can say I've lost weight, but it still feels everyday like it might just be temporary. When will I want to eat healthy more than I want to eat comforting, addictive crap? When will I want to exercise more than not?
When will I look at a photo and recognize myself?
I don't know. Who/when? But I do believe that we learn something by the asking, and by our attempts to figure it out. Every day, every meal. I struggle, but I am fighting one day at a time.
I ate well today. I'm still sick, and exercise-resting. I drank my water. I read, commented, and posted. I'm trying to be healthy, and trying to figure it out.
Don't give up. Never give up. Keep trying.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Small steps
I'm resting. I drank lots of water today. I ate well- fruits, vegetables, lean protein. I did not have any candy, which was more tempting than it should be. I took my niece trick-or-treating but left all the sugary stuff in her Dora bucket. She offered to share it with me; that is sweeter than candy. I hugged her and refused; that is also better than junk food.
I didn't work out. I'm still sick, and trying to recover. But I'm not coasting, and I'm not giving up.
Let's keep doing this. One temptation-filled holiday down; two more to go, my friends.
I didn't work out. I'm still sick, and trying to recover. But I'm not coasting, and I'm not giving up.
Let's keep doing this. One temptation-filled holiday down; two more to go, my friends.
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