The funny thing is that once this "epiphany" hit me, I actually felt better. It made me feel like my craziness has a reason, that it's proof it is craziness, and so I don't have to wonder/doubt why I suddenly hate everything a little bit.
I just need to hang in there and stay strong because this moment, these particular struggles, will get better again.
There are a few other factors, as there usually are because people are messy. I've had anxiety/depression issues my whole life, like so many others, including many on weight loss journeys. I've also felt my mood drop when it's crappy out, and today it definitely was- gray and rainy, the world painted in melancholy. Finally, I didn't work out because Thursdays are my scheduled rest days.
Exercise has done so much to help stabilize my mood. It's not to say that I feel good all the time now because it's not that easy. But I can truthfully say that most of the time, I don't feel bad, either. And that's a really big difference, and a significant deal to me.
There were points at my biggest when I didn't want to, and almost felt like I couldn't leave the house. The physical and mental were intrinsically connected and I let myself become stuck in a vicious cycle- I was depressed so I ate, but the consequences of eating made me super depressed. I didn't feel in control of myself, physically or mentally... and I wasn't.
There are still moments when I feel like I have so far to go, that I'm a "pretender" somehow and all this progress and these burgeoning new habits can just... disappear, like that. I need to remember that... this is about choosing life. Weight is almost beside the point; this is about doing what I need to do to live life as best as I can right now.
Today I made a "soft" decision (still thinking about it, but pretty sure) about what I'll do after I finish P90 on October 7th. I've thought about just continuing with it, at the 3-4 levels, while also sticking with/trying to improve at jogging. Would this be good exercise, and keep me in the habit of working out? Yeah, for sure.
But if I really want to push myself... I think I'm going to try Insanity when I finish this. It's super hardcore and part of me scoffs at myself like, you think you're going to be anywhere near fit enough to do that?
But I can try. Maybe I'll be utter crap at the start, pausing as much as I play, but if I plug away, I will improve in time. If I push myself farther and harder, I will get somewhere new. I'm tired of doubting myself and tired of putting myself down, when no one else in my life ever has.
My husband never hinted that I should lose some weight. He only ever said the opposite, repeatedly- that I'm beautiful, that I'm not fat, that he loves me exactly as I am, and always will.
I love him for saying it, but I've always known the weight-related stuff wasn't true, inside. Other people can make you feel bad about yourself so easily, but I feel like I'm learning that no one else can truly make you feel good (someplace deep, deep down, in how you think about and see yourself). You have to face your own BS if necessary, and face your fears. You have to work for it and fight for it. No one else can give you self-worth.
This is kind of all over the place, but I guess it's been that kind of day. This is not easy, but it's important. It may not be fun, but it's necessary. At times I might struggle or even want to quit, but... I can't and I won't. Don't give up, never give up... keep trying.
This is it's own, positive cycle- trying matters as much as results, and results only come from trying.
Exercise: Rest day
Eating: 1,173 calories; currently 4 quarts water but will make sure I hit 4.5 at least by the end of the night
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