Lighter

Hello, blog friends!  I'm in a great mood tonight because I've gained some perspective, and that is to choose optimism.

I'm not naturally optimistic, but I'm also not naturally healthy.  I think both of these things are well worth the effort, and the best part is what is gained simply by trying.

My last post was super down.  My last week was super down.  I tend to focus too much on what went wrong and what needs fixing.  I like to call that being realistic, but it's also pessimistic.  Everyone has some "issues" and one of mine is that some part of me wants to point out the flaws before someone else can.

The truth is that how I handle the flaws matters so much more than their existence.  Maybe no one else even sees them, but whether they do or not... their reaction doesn't carry the power that mine does.  I'm not saying that other peoples' attitudes can't affect us, because they greatly can.  But we can give it more power or less.

At one point I had some really terrible anxiety problems.  It was difficult for me to be around people or sometimes, even in public.  I had the places I felt "safe", and I wanted to stick with them.  I was willing to make my world smaller and smaller and call it "sense" because I thought it helped me to avoid pain.

And it did, in an unhealthy way.  Avoid, not address.  A therapist told me, "You can pay homage to these fears, or you can not."  In other words, I made them stronger every time I gave into them. 

Being around big crowds or entering a new situation still freaks me out sometimes, but I try not to give homage to these fears anymore, as best as I can.  Every time I don't, it empowers me, and makes me stronger.  What I allowed to cripple me then doesn't have anywhere near the same impact anymore.  The general situations didn't change, but I did.

That may seem like a bit of a tangent, but it's all related in my head. : )  When I hate on myself and what I did wrong, it's making the bad bigger and scarier and harder to overcome.

I could have done better last week, yes.  Last night I had a very stressful situation and didn't eat any dinner; that could also be "better".  But I'm still moving along and trying to get healthy still, and that's the best thing of all.

Today my food scale broke and for a second, the gremlins in my head were all, "Oh my gosh!  If we can't weigh our chicken, then what?"

Tonight I realized the answer is very, very simple- then I don't know exactly how much my chicken weighs.  And that's it.  I'm going to try and replace it, but in the meantime, it will be okay.  I know that I'm eating healthy, I know that I'm eating a reasonable portion size, and I'm not using anything as an excuse to go crazy- I'm just doing my best within the current situation.

Today that stressful situation was still stressful.  I felt bummed about it earlier, but then I told myself, you know what?  No matter what, it'll be okay.  This is not really that big of a deal when I look at the big picture in life.

And you know what I felt then, and ever since?  Happy.  : )  I felt, and feel happy. 

I'm in a place right now where I feel pretty good about the person I am, to be honest.  I try hard to be there for those I love, to be honest, and also to be healthy.  Now I want to be kind... to myself.  I want to support myself like I try to support others. 

My off-plan meal the other night... I gave it so much power.  I was so afraid it would become the end of this journey.  It had some consequences, of course, because all actions do- on the scale, in cravings, etc.  But it hasn't been "the end" of anything, because that isn't based on what I last ate or when I last worked out, on the date or on anything besides what I choose.

I chose to keep going then, and I choose to keep trying now.  I choose to be healthy, to feel good about myself, and ultimately... to try and be happy, too.  Every day is a new chance, a struggle in various ways, and also a gift.

So tonight... yes, I feel lighter.  I've found some perspective.  I do this a lot probably, haha, but it's also sort of necessary once I lose it. 

Keep going, every one.  Believe in yourself, that you can be healthy and happy every single day.  The best part is what we gain simply by trying.