Middle

I struggled this week... though not in the way I used to, which is very strange to me.

I did not binge, I did not even really want to binge.  I guess it has finally "clicked" for me right now that eating solves nothing.  It only gives you two problems instead of fixing the one that triggered the urge to start.

I did not eat enough either, though.  I had no appetite.  This was a really emotional week for me because of an "anniversary" that fell on Wednesday... and I'll be honest, I was depressed and low-energy and focused mostly on that.  I made myself eat things on the plan like usual, but did not perfectly follow it.  I worked out every scheduled day, but it slipped to late "now or never" nighttime.

I feel guilty for this.  I guess it's part of why I haven't posted, the other part being that I wasn't really in the right frame of mind (which on second thought is basically the same reason).  I didn't do badly in the obvious way maybe, but I know I didn't do well, either.

I wrote in a post the other night that if I'm not giving it my best, then I ask What am I doing here?  Well, self?

To be honest... I really struggle with how hard to be on myself about this.  Part of me says that it could have been a lot worse, that I could have binged, that I could have skipped my workouts.  But the other part says, thinking those thoughts never got you anywhere you wanted to go. 

I did what I could; but perhaps not what I was fully capable of.  I dealt with some life stuff instead of journey stuff.  I did not commit like I have.  But I did not eat my feelings, either- I felt them instead.

When is an excuse not an excuse; is it ever?  When should we be kind to ourselves, and when harsh?  How do we know if we need forgiveness or scolding to help us on our way?

I don't know.  That's been my problem all week, is I don't know.  I guess... I can recognize that it's good that I didn't binge, and a significant change, while also acknowledging that letting myself not eat enough isn't healthy and is counter-productive, at the same time.

This journey is such a transition, both physically and mentally.  I am no longer the person I was, but I am not yet the person I aspire to be, either.  I'm somewhere in the middle, and that has its own challenges- to not move backwards, while still trying to move forward.

In the end, I guess that's the only thing that really matters- moving forward.  Finding my focus again, and getting the momentum ball rolling in the right direction.

I didn't binge because I knew in my heart it would only make me feel worse.  But I also know that striving to be healthy makes me feel good and happy, and that's really, really important to remember.

I can do better.  I will do better.  Because that was then, and this is now- the best I can do now.  This is a new week, a new story, a new chance to be my best, one choice at a time.

Up or down, good or bad... keep trying, right?  Keep trying.  The only way we can fail is if we let ourselves get out of the game.

Today:
Exercise: Rest
Eating: 947 calories; 5 quarts water

Thursday:
Exercise: Insanity, Day 20 (Plyometric Cardio Circuit)
Eating: 931 calories; 5 quarts water

Wednesday:
Exercise: Insanity, Day 19 (Cardio Power & Resistance)
Eating: 970 calories; 4.5 quarts water

Tuesday:
Exercise: Insanity, Day 18 (Cardio Recovery)
Eating: 923 calories; 5 quarts water